not-so-private ramblings of the ekklesian

christmas rantings

2011-12-19T23:28:00.002+08:00

we were having a conversation a few days ago about how there are some people amongst us who seem to have it all, but probably have a balancing defect to bring them back to earth. few and far inbetween, but they exist. it got me thinking, AGAIN, of why i've been created less equal then the rest. why do i have to work extra hard to do what i do. why do i have a higher standard for myself. why are there higher standards set for me. why are they harder to attain. owells. that's just the way it has become.

why can't i think less. why can't i not think. why do i smile when i wanna frown, lift my head up when i wish i didn't have one. i realise that there is this natural leaning to fix what's broken. but what if it's too complicated to fix. what if you don't know it's broken. what if no one realises what's broken. what if no one cares. and that's probably the case.

i wanna leave. i want that new experience all over again. new people. new lifestyle. new everything. i want out. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm doin ok. i just a break out of routine. i want a chance to be who i think i might want to be.

6 days to xmas. why am i not feeling it...anymore.

merry xmas.

2011-11-14T01:02:00.002+08:00

i think i should restart this. seeing how some people have been faithfully at it long past it stopped becoming a fad. it's therapeutic. i wonder why i stopped.

i guess my readership has dwindled to zero and i hope it stays that way. you see, i like very much to be the cryptic shadow lurking about in the dark - one that nobody sees, hears, or understands. besides, nothing good can come from the erosion of privacy.

at the beginning of the year, i set out to conquer 2011 with a care-free attitude. how i've failed miserably. life is nothing but care-free, and the ones who tell you to slow down have nothing going for them. harsh but true. i'd like to slowdown though. 15hr sleep weeks can be sustained for only so long. the dissonance is remarkable. i long for shorter hours, but staying at work makes me quite happy. i can't seem to figure out why. i'm not an workaholic, i'm not really an escapist. i think it's the hope of a raise, a bonus, respect, expertise, marketability, progress, freedom from the heart. if only i could convince myself of what i already know. that all this doesn't matter.

i wonder why people are atheists. how can they live without hope? how can they not go mad if they've convinced themselves that there is no real purpose in the cycle of life?

i've been hearing this prompting for the past few weeks. in fact if i'm honest enough to myself, i will realise that this has been happening for 2 years now. but i'm still unsure of what i'm supposed to do. and i can't bring myself to actually take it seriously as i'm afraid of what i might discover.

i wonder if this Christmas will be meaningful. probably not. if only we treasured what we have. if only i would get my act together. something is amiss. i wish i could put my finger on it. i wish i could get out of this rut that i've become so comfortable in.

can't wait to... nothing.

2011-01-14T00:46:00.000+08:00

over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

we're ALL like that. gosh. God save us.

2011-01-10T01:27:00.002+08:00

maybe it's the easier way out. but where's the joy in that. there's no depth. no feel-good moment. fleeting as it is. i guess i need to make up my mind before it happens and i screw it up. what's the rush? there's no rush. there's just this plan. there's a sense of unwanted differentiation. sometimes i feel helpless. worse than i know i am. because there's this checklist. maybe a reverse checklist. longer than i'd like it to be. but there shouldn't be a checklist. it should just.. BE.

so many plans. hopes. dreams. just waiting to happen....

i should stop planning. i should just be.

let's see what unfolds for me in 2011. i hope it's something truly special. i'm not going to plan. i'll just let it happen.

so there.

:)

2010-09-10T22:36:00.001+08:00

perfect love, all loves excelling.

more than enough for me.

:)

the magical land of...

2010-08-19T01:35:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, when I'm in the mood to escape, I let my mind drift off with the sound of the pipe organ accompanying the voices of St. Paul's Cathedral Choir to a place I had almost instantaneously fallen in love with less than a year ago. Where I was happiest. Where I had learnt what it meant to truly live, and not merely exist. It was a time when every day was an adventure. It was a time when schedules, datelines and expectations didn't matter as much. It was a time when a 10 degree afternoon was referred to as cool weather. It was a time of thick coats, scarves, mulled wines, cheap beer, and late-night kebab dinners.

I wish those days back. I really do.

Until then, I'll let my memory recreate the magic.

the image forever etched in my mind

2010-07-16T01:12:00.002+08:00

so what am i waiting for?

you.

come along now.

i don't bite

unless you want me to.

the dark sacred night

2010-07-02T00:32:00.003+08:00

i see/hear
beauty in imperfection,
fear in opportunities,
love in the guise of hate,
care amidst ignorance,
humor in unhappiness,
company in solitude,
an insurmountable obstacle,
against the backdrop of the Omnipotent Almighty.
satisfaction from a distance,
a plea,
unintended intimidation,
faded passion,
a broken smile,
an empty seat.
oh, what a wonderful world.

the miss

2010-04-05T14:36:00.001+08:00

i got so nervous, i was almost glad i had to rush off.

:S

the failed campaign

2010-02-09T00:40:00.004+08:00

Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
...for what seems like eternity.

I suspect that the year-end would look pretty different from how it began. In a good way, I hope. Comparing myself with me 12 months ago, I can't help but be amazed at how much better and simpler life is right now. I hope that this sets the trend. That it can only go uphill. Afterall, it's not so much the external circumstances that determine how good life is as it is the internal state of mind. (Ok, I watched ONE episode of Oprah). But seriously, I think I've discovered the art of being content with what I have. If traveling has taught me anything, it's that we need to take life a lot less seriously. We need to slow down. We need to realize that what matter the most are relationships - with God, family, and friends.

The first thing that struck me when I touched down in Singapore was how impolite we are. No smiles, no greetings. Just a huge, state-of-the-art airport and people wearing their solemn faces. 10 days in and I've already seen how ugly some of us are - the way we speak, how we respond to each other, our pathetic brand of humour, our excessive use of sarcasm, our lack of tact. We aren't as nice as we ought to be.

Unfortunately for us, a fine can't fix this.

the new experience

2010-01-20T08:55:00.002+08:00

it's amazing how much there is to learn in life. especially when you think you've figured it all out. it's a never-ending journey of changing perspectives, priorities and mentalities. and as we change, we begin to make more sense of it all. we begin to understand how foolish we were before. we progress. or in some cases, regress. that's what wisdom must be - the sum of all our experiences and memories that culminates in our unique perspective on life and its many issues.

i'm not exactly happy. but i'm glad for the new experiences. the new feelings. i'm thankful, in all seasons, for a God who is in control.... if I let Him be.

the barcap interview

2010-01-06T06:43:00.007+08:00

so after behaving like a proper nerd, borrowing 2 fixed income textbooks from the library although school's out, i've come to realise that the interview with barcap that i believe i flunked last week wouldn't have been all that bad if i had actually studied the right stuff. the consolation is that everyone feels that way after a major exam. so i'm hoping that the other candidates screwed up as badly as i did. whatever the case, my interviewer seemed to think (or at least, claimed) that i had done well. he said that he hoped i would do just as well in the next interview round as i had done with him. my response was a chuckle. he reciprocated. i sure hope he wasn't just paying lip service.

i found it rather amusing that my interviewer was calling in from LA, when I was in London, regarding a job in Singapore.

moving on to the next round, my interview's going to be with another American. i quite dislike the incomprehensible accent. i'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope that i ace this one and move on to the next round.

meanwhile, i'll just be thankful that i have choices, diverse as they may be.

oh, merry xmas & a happy new year. (",)

the sights and sounds on a snowy night

2009-12-19T08:20:00.007+08:00

I took a nice long walk from Waterloo to Marble Arch one winter evening. In the freezing cold. Armed with my trusty Primark scarf and Ralph Lauren snow hat. Oh, and my 'Made in China' leather gloves - the nicest-looking things gifted by the nicest person I know. I've never really done a solo walk like this before, not in London at least. Cos it seems pretty sad, and lonely, roaming about aimlessly on your own. But a friend recently did it, twice actually, and told me that it felt really good. So I decided to give it a go. What's the fun in binging night after night anyway? Also, I had been cooped up in the halls for more than 24hours, down with fever, flu, sore throat - the usual shit. I needed to get out. Even if that meant that I would die of hypothermia on the streets like some hobo.

I pick up the Evening Standard. First 5 pages are all about the unexpected snowfall and how it has disrupted the lives of many Londoners. Closed schools. Delayed trains. Trapped commuters. One would think that last February's events would have prepared the city for the worst. Apparently not. Well, good for the school kids then. I look up from the paper, distracted by a stumpy-looking punk trying to hit on a decent looking lady. Nothing really wrong with that. But the conversation is pretty sad, albeit slightly entertaining for me. It goes roughly like this:

Stumpy: Hey there, would you know if this train heads to London Bridge?
Lady: Hmm.. I don't really know. Sorry.
Stumpy: Are you sure? Does it really not go? I need to get to London Bridge.
Lady: There's a rail map right there. It'll tell you. (looks at the map). Oh yes, it does.
Stumpy: And how do I get back to this station from there?
Lady: (blank look)
(Tube arrives and saves the lady.)

Failed attempt at conversation. But hey, at least he tried.

Tube reaches my destination. I start walking. I realise that I've never actually seen the Westminster area after dusk before. If I do go out in the night, it's usually to the binge spots. Or to some performing arts venue at the West End. Or to Zones 5 or 6. Or to the kebab stands. Or to St Paul's - my favorite building in the whole of London. I stop to admire the Big Ben. It's gorgeous how the clock face seems to magically illuminate the whole tower to paint a picture of artistic serenity in a borough known mainly for politics. A couple of Asian tourists (Yeah, I'm SO not one of 'em) start taking pictures. I follow suit. But my attempts fail miserably. I don't own a friggin DSLR, you see.

I continue walking. Then it suddenly occurs to me that I'm still sick. And that my fever's coming back. Not a good thing at all, considering that the temperature's in the vicinity of ZERO. I feel my heart palpitating. It seems to be slowing down actually. I comically think that I'm going to die - The Straits Times headline: "SMU exchange student dies in freak weather at Westminster" flashes across my mind. Ok maybe not.

I spot Macs and head in for hot chocolate. There's a dude there, standing around suspiciously. The moment I get my drink, he approaches me and asks for the stamp on my cup. You get a free drink when you collect 6. I'm tempted to say that I'm collecting too. Then for some reason, I think of 'The Pursuit of Happyness'. He kinda looks like Will Smith (alright, he was black). He probably needs the free drink more than me. Might even have a hungry son waiting outside. So I give it to him. He seems grateful, and he goes off.

Trafalgar Square. Lots seem to be happening here. Some carolers in front of the huge Norwegian Christmas tree catch my attention. Quite a bit of snickering going on in the audience. The lead female voice is out of tune. But that's not it. The lead is actually a male in his 30s. I stay for awhile. I've never heard a castrato before. As I take my leave, an Indian girl approaches me. She's from the WWF and goes on and on about wild life conservation, how the polar caps are melting and how I should commit my support in the form of an email address. An overgrown Husky comes by. I exclaim at the size of the dog. She corrects me and says that it's a wolf. She goes on about how different dogs and wolves are for about 30 seconds. Then she asks the owner. It's a dog.

I see a protest going on with a number of banners with headings like "Copenhagen", and "Give Us Our Future". How cool is that. I've never seen a protest of any sort before so I go nearer and take some shots inconspicuously. I want to join them for the fun of it, but it's too cold. And also cos I'm wearing leather gloves.

Oxford Street. It truly feels like Christmas. Everyone's doing last minute shopping. The lights and deco glimmer in the icy night. A little snow on the ground. Lots of snow on the passing cars. Brass band playing outside Mark & Spenser's. Poor old ladies siting outside large department stores trying their luck at emotional blackmail. But, alas, the spirit of giving is not as compelling as the spirit of buying. Me? I have my hands full of winter clothing I have just bought for my family so I can't reach in for spare change. -_-

Marble Arch. I spot a drug store. I need to get medication for my wretched flu and fever anyway so I head in. I see a dude about my age trying to look invisible as he picks up his purchases. He seems to be getting condoms. Big deal. But no. Being the busybody that I am, I look closer. I think I see the word 'VIAGRA'. Sucks to be you, buddy.

I head home. People-watching isn't all that boring once in while, I guess. And I am not dead of hypothermia yet.

Cheers to that.

:)

the northern star

2009-12-16T05:30:00.003+08:00

What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain

Jesus, all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still my faith
Rests in You

As the heavens hold the skies
It's Your hand that holds my life
And Your love will lead me on
When all else is gone

2009-11-24T09:53:00.003+08:00

i see you.

the season to be jolly, 'tis

2009-11-16T13:12:00.006+08:00

So he singled me out and that got me freaked out. He said that I've been testing the water with my toes when I should be cannon-balling right into it. Now what could he possibly be referring to? Hmmm...

Questions about ambiguity aside, I'm excited about the festive season. It's going to be a different year-end experience again. Two in a row. I like! I've been in the mood ever since the lights went on at Oxford Circus two weeks ago. They're nothing compared to what you get along Orchard Road (either that's true or I've been looking at the wrong street), but they do the job just as well.

Can't wait for my final term of undergraduate life to end. But I don't want exchange to end. Oh the dilemma. :s

the case for divorce

2009-11-11T02:49:00.004+08:00

I was discussing sex with a friend of mine, and then we started talking about divorce (sadly). On what grounds is it permitted? When is it an indication of frivolity? After some research, here are my thoughts.

I agree that the bible is our measure of morality. But we need to take this with a pinch of salt (for lack of a better idiom). Carl Braaten mentions in Christian Dogmatics that “The ultimate authority of Christian theology is not the biblical canon as such, but the gospel of Jesus Christ to which the Scriptures bear witness ”. So it really isn’t the bible that gives us our norms. The bible needs to be read in the context of those days. Laws and commandments set in the bible should not be taken to be morals cast in stone. We need to ask what the underlying principle of those laws are. But the underlying principle is not enough. The core of our moral decisions should be how they reflect the love that we have learnt to know in Christ. We need to relate morals to Christ. This is when it becomes subjective. Whenever there is an element of interpretation, there is an element of subjectivity. Let me go a step further to say that.... Even if we’ve established morals in relation to Christ (even if you argue that there is no subjectivity involved), there are exceptions! Let me paraphrase from the writings of Bruce V. Malchow from the Lutheran School of Theology and Mission to illustrate this:

In Mark, Jesus says the following: "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery" (10:11-12). However, in Matthew, Jesus says the following: "anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" (5:32). Now, there is one reason why divorce may be acceptable - unchastity. Paul adds another exception to Jesus' rule when he says, "if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so, in such a case the brother or sister is not bound" (1 Cor 7:15). So now there is a second reason that divorce can be all right--desertion. There are other valid causes for divorce! While Jesus' rule stands as our general guide, we pastorally evaluate every case to see whether divorce is the better alternative.

My point is that morals are dynamic. It doesn’t always mean that we’re compromising. It could very well be a well-intentioned effort at staying relevant to our times. This makes it subjective.

the bonfire weekend

2009-11-06T08:05:00.003+08:00

i like having fun. i like gyrating to club beats all night long. i like making out with the only person I have ever dared give my heart to. if only she were here.

but still, i like having fun. especially on a boat sailing along the River Thames.

how cool is that.

the reason i'm a skeptic

2009-11-02T00:16:00.001+08:00

strangely enough, the music still suits this...

the justification

2009-11-01T12:21:00.002+08:00

I am NOT just like everybody else. I'm not perfect. but I'm me.

the prego song

2009-10-25T06:41:00.002+08:00

I can be really ambiguous and difficult about things I'm afraid of. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm unsure about what I want or need. In retrospect, deep down I always knew. All I needed was time. But you gave me so much more. I don't know how you did it - not knowing where the path would lead to; not even knowing if we were on the same path. But you did anyway.

Thank you for waiting.

I pray you never leave.

:)

the linguistic incompetencies of our nation

2009-10-02T21:07:00.008+08:00

Unless you've been living under a rock, you would have come across the flurry of criticism following Ris Low's infamous post-pageant interview. It's one of those videos we share on Youtube and Facebook just for laughs, like we did for the other great Youtube funnies - Dramatic Gopher or Chinese Backstreet Boys or Leave Britney Alone. Simply because her command of the English language was comical..to us. When I first watched the video, I was appalled. Not at her diction (lack of, rather), but at the fact that the judges let her win. My criticism was directed at the judges. How could they let someone with such substandard English represent the nation at a world class pageant. Just compare her to Ms Singapore Universe 2009 - Rachel Kum. The differences are glaring. Is one more appealing than the other? To me, yes. No prizes for guessing who (especially with her scandalous pictures floating around). But is one necessarily better than the other? That wholly depends on the standards we're using.

If we are basing it merely on linguistic competency, then we are fools. Because unless you speak Queen's English (ie. Received Pronunciation) with that pompous accent, we're going to sound just as foreign and incomprehensible to non-Singaporeans as the French or Yorkshire accents are to us at first. I can't tell you how many times I've been exasperated when people here in London respond to me with a 'sorry?' or 'what was that again?' despite me speaking perfectly good English most of the time.

But I digress. My point of all this is not that speaking good English isn't/shouldn't be the criteria for judgment. At the end of the day, when we have crowned the winner, we should be able to look at her and say, "Hmm. Yep, that's definitely Singaporean". And I think Ris Low definitely fits the bill - discounting her credit card fraud cases, of course. We need to face the facts. Not everyone in Singapore speaks good English. We have Singlish, and we have Engrish. And for now, at least, that's who we are; that's what we speak. There are so many families that use Mandarin, Malay or Tamil as their primary mode of communication. Consequently, their English may not be as polished. And there's nothing really wrong with that. It doesn't happen just in the heartlands (and I hate that term, by the way). Considerable volume of local business transactions occur between the Mandarin-speaking wealthy. Even in premier schools (once again, a term I don't exactly like because of the scorn it generates), Engrish is spoken by a decent number. Although the numbers could be more pronounced at "neighborhood" schools, the point is that it is widespread. Singaporean subcultures exist. And my take is that we shouldn't be ashamed of who we are - weird as it is for me to say.

Of course, that doesn't mean we don't improve on our English. Or that we don't grimace when someone butchers the language. We're entitled to be put off by people. It isn't discrimination, it's preference. Be gracious about it. But we aren't entitled to portray Singapore as something that she isn't.

So the pageant judges were sort of justified afterall.

PS: Oh, and while we're on the topic of linguistic capabilities. I think it works both ways. Typical conversation -

Person: You speak Tamil?
Me: I think I do. Er.. yes.
Person: Oh really? let me hear!
Me: (incomprehensible Anglicized Tamil)
Person: Ok, you really should stop talking. And your mom's a Tamil teacher! (criticise criticise)

Sure, most of the time it's harmless fun. Sometimes it's funny. But it sure as hell infuriates me when the critics aren't able to speak proper English, and I'm gentlemanly enough to overlook all that.

Or maybe being ignorantly critical is a Singaporean thing too...

the aquarium

2009-10-01T11:13:00.002+08:00

today it occurred to me... most guys all over the world, Asian or European, are losers. At least, they behave like they are.

Some girls too.

Except the ones who can dance to Soulja Boy on stage.

Jägermeister and Sambuca shots do the trick.

the tube

2009-09-11T02:27:00.004+08:00

So it's been a couple of days and here are my first impressions...

I see this city as an unpolished form of Singapore. Unpolished, yet refined, rustic, yet appealing. It's like Singapore in many ways - excellent infrastructure, congested traffic, a ballooning international population, mild (harmless?) racism. Yet it's so much better in many other ways - beautiful colonial buildings bordering every street in central London, working fireplaces, John Wesley's home, linguistic superiority, a thriving arts scene, accental sensuality, an authentic and natural cosmopolitan feel, harmony in diversity, a delicate mishmash of the traditional and the modern, the reality and harshness of life that every child should face while growing up, political maturity, communal spirit, freedom to express, freedom to choose, freedom to accept, freedom to reject.

We'll see....

the blower's daughter

2009-08-31T03:01:00.000+08:00

i like piano

the juxtaposition of music

2009-08-22T03:06:00.003+08:00

so after another night of pointless clubbing, with pounding music and random chatter , I come home to the mac, open firefox, and hear Hillsong play.

and it sounds so much more peaceful and fulfilling. it sounds more real and hopeful. it sounds right.

so i turn off the music, and get on with life.

the all brits partyyyy

2009-08-12T01:03:00.005+08:00

New Asia is the New Attica.

the team i've grown to like

2009-08-06T01:59:00.002+08:00

Today, we were trying to dig ALOT of coins out of an acrylic structure with a small opening after a photo shoot. My boss became quite vigorous with her fingers. And at that instant, a colleague exclaimed, "Eeeee... you damn disgustingggg!!!".

My team cannot be any more.. adult:

the month of reconciliations

2009-07-27T22:52:00.000+08:00

July's almost over and it has turned out to be the most peaceful month since the year began. It feels good to mend broken relationships, to know that you matter enough for the other party to want to help pick up the pieces, not really bothering about whose fault it was to begin with. It feels good to go the extra mile for someone. It feels good to forgive, and be forgiven. It feels good to forget about forgiving, because you don't see a need to revisit the past. It feels good to uncomplicate things, to press the reboot button, to find depth in simplicity.

But more than it feeling good, it's the right thing to do.

the rash vow

2009-07-25T05:17:00.005+08:00

After much contemplation, here's the vow: I will not ~~step into a club, nor~~ drink alcohol, until circumstances change.

I'll just be plain ol' compliant ekklesian. But that shouldn't really matter.

It's quite exhilarating to be on the dance floor when the DJ is spinning a song your friend produced. and your friend is with you. and you're wearing a prop used in the music video. and everyone's watching, i would like to think, in a drunken state of envy.

The future is not...

2009-07-17T21:02:00.004+08:00

Que sera, sera.

the number TWO... the number ONE

2009-07-14T22:05:00.004+08:00

There are much bigger things in life to worry about.

Life isn't all about the interview you haven't prepared for, that choice internship at GS, that will convert into your dream job offer, the unforgiving office gossip, the bitch who you claim ruined your life, the bitch you ruined, the friend that you don't want to hurt, the politics, the religion you so easily fall back on when things are beyond your control, the facades, the confidence you try to exude, the gelled hair, the fabulous Japanese food at Old Airport Road, the Olympics, the ground-breaking moments, the record-breaking stunts, the music of your soul, the favor you so desperately seek in people who don't really care, the people you want to prove wrong, the false sense of belonging that you deceive yourself into feeling, the flashy cars you see outside Zouk and Millenia, the forbidden fruit, the six-pack you used to have, the chances you missed, the thorns you endure, the fear you succumbed to.

No, none of these things really matter. Because when the time is nearly up, and you have some moments to yourself, you think of the people who love you, and how they would survive without you. you think of people who accept you unconditionally. you think of people who will cry at your funeral, not because of the pain they would feel, but because they would feel yours. you think of those who would bend over backwards for you and honestly expect nothing in return.

It's all about perspective.

4:35

2009-07-11T16:31:00.002+08:00

In our darkest hour, in my deepest despair
Will you still care? Will you be there?
In my trials and my tribulations
Through our doubts and frustrations
In my violence, in my turbulence
Through my fear, and my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow

I'll never let you part
For you're always in my heart.

the night i never got high

2009-07-04T04:37:00.002+08:00

i know what i want. i know i can get what i want. if i only just reach out. but i can't. i won't. cos i can never be too sure. cos to a small extent, i'm afraid of FAILURE.

F***.

--

Respect for those who went beyond their limits. Respect for those who outlasted the others. Respect for those who scored. Respect for those who didn't, but still smiled.

Respect for myself.

We'll know how much it cost us on Monday. I'm guessing close to a $1000. Is it worth it? I guess. Cos the life we/I live is shit. A night of fun is definitely worth every penny

Is it?

Too late, dickhead.

the legacy lives on

2009-07-01T17:23:00.005+08:00

[Diddy]
I remember the first time I seen you moonwalk,
I believed I could do anything,
you made the world dance,
you made the music come to life

[Chris Brown - Chorus]
This the type of song that make the angels cry,
i look up in the sky and i wonder why?
why you had to go, go
I know its better on the other side,
you were chosen from the start
never gon’ let you go,

[The Game]
Who’s Michael Jackson,
You’re Michael Jackson,
I’m Michael Jackson,
We all Michael Jackson,
I guess what I'm asking is everybody bow their head for a legend don't breathe for a second,
now let the air out, grab the hand of somebody you care about,
so you can hear my message, my confession,
someone tell Usher, I seen the moonwalk, I guess the young thriller touched him, like he touched me, like he touched you,
so carry on his legacy, something i must do, so i trust you lighting candles, concrete visuals, me and my brothers listen to Jackson 5 in the living room,
first thing i did when i heard was call Puff,
cos him and Mike tried to stop the beef between us,
who was us? Me and Fifty, that beef is dead, him and Mike Jackson gonna take us to the ledge.

[Chorus]

As I’m pouring out this liquor candles start to flicker,
when list (?) my air ones, MJ was my n***a.
Not the one that played ball, the one with the Hollywood star,
and since I’m a Hollywood star Imma tell you my story,
never had a family that close, never see Barry Gordy walking through interscope,
just like me they always had Mike in a scope,
no matter what you say,
imma love him and hes still dope,
let me take you back to 85 when i was in a zone, dancing for my momma thriller jacket with all the zippers on,
now I’m doing 90 bout to crash in this Aston,
listening to Outcast, I’m sorry Mrs Jackson
anything I can ever do to better you your son was our king so we wont Coretta you,
I’m writing this letter to all the Jackson kids, we all Jackson kids, time to let us through.

[Chorus]
[Diddy]
People can say what they wanna say about you.
We gonna remember the miracles that you showed us.
Through your music, through your dance, through your philanthropy.
You were the one that made us all realize that we are the world.
You were the one that showed us we could moonwalk
You gave us the beat. You gave us the rhythm. You gave us the soul.
Through us your legacy lives on
We can't stop now, we won't stop now.
Mike Jackson.

[Chorus]

[Boys II Men]
This the kind of song that make the angels cry,
look up in the sky and ask God, why o why why
Do we live and let die
This the kind of song that make the angels cry,
look up in the sky and ask God, why o why why
Do we live and let, live and let die.

the king of pop is no more.

2009-06-27T23:32:00.006+08:00

Michael truly is magic.
He has given us so much.
And we will remember him for that.

Michael. The Legend. Forever.
1958 - 2009

the ship better not sink

2009-06-25T23:52:00.002+08:00

i could grow to like this. i really could.

i hope it lasts.. or maybe something better'll come along.

either way, i'll be adequately satisfied.

Amen.

--

My office reminds me of The Office.

Today, we did a photo shoot. I sat on the floor half the time. The other half, I was doing SMU jumps. I didn't get paid.

the 80s

2009-06-24T23:37:00.006+08:00

the 80s must have rocked.

either that, or it's just my headphones.

but seriously.. check out the cool head-bobbing.
__
and to add to the previous post of amusing things that happened over the weekend:
- i had vodka forced down my throat about 7 times. NEAT. that much i remember.
- i found a receipt for a $250 bottle of whiskey in my wallet the day after. It seems I signed for it.
- i missed my appointment with the artist. despite looking forward to it for a full week.

I am going back to my only-one-beer-a-night clubbing days.

the 24th one

2009-06-21T23:29:00.004+08:00

it's all rather amusing that:
- i had to wrestle with home-made steak over the weekend
- a friend thinks my ego is bigger than my sex-drive. and i have to agree.
- i lost my Blackberry at Attica
- i don't remember when/where/how i lost it
- the cops at Clarke Quay are quite useless
- the cleaner found the Blackberry and surrendered it to the management
- the management called MY MOM, of all the people in my address book, to return the phone
- my mom was exceptionally cool about it and decided to term Attica a "24hr shop" although she knew full well what it was. just so that i didn't feel uncomfortable. :D she really is the best.
- the club looked worse than a coffee-shop toilet on a Sunday evening, when I went back to claim the phone. dried puke and tissue everywhere. and this is supposed to be the place where trendy yuppies who want to be seen spend their nights in style.
- the club manager told me that the phone was lying on the floor in the open just outside Attica. and nobody stole it.
- there are messages on my phone that i don't remember sending or receiving.

still, i must thank everyone who wished me, met up with me, wanted to meet up with me, for helping to make the day a special one for me. especially if you did it despite knowing that i absolutely abhor birthdays. i truly appreciate it.

happy birthday to me.

keep running. cos that's what you do best.

the organizedly random statements

2009-06-15T00:12:00.003+08:00

You know you need rest when you don't understand the double meanings behind "men suck", especially when you read that on a t-shirt at newurbanmale.

Everyone's flying. I wish end-August would come soon.

I want to start my own family soon. Cos the godson can't get any more adorable.

A wise gentleman recently told me that I shouldn't be bothered with where the wind blows from and just enjoy the coolness of the air.

A wise lady recently told me that I am not walking alone.

I generously spent over $700 at the PC fair. I am now in a state of denial and hope it lasts forever. Red is the new black.

I'm waiting for some exciting plans to materialize - yacht party, house party, binging competition. All 3 were planned on the same day.

I'm glad it happened, just like you. Pretty perplexed, but nonetheless glad. I also know for a fact that I handled it a lot better than you. And you can't deny that. I wasn't presumptuous, hysterical, insolent, arrogant (yes yes, buzzword these days) or impertinent. And that is why the chapter has already closed.

the rebound

2009-06-11T23:27:00.004+08:00

High level meeting with the Head of Consumer Markets (HCM) and some other big shots commences. Intense discussion takes place. Only the big shots speak. The rest observe. HCM grills my boss, the Department Head (DH). It is a sad, sad meeting. Suddenly, without any warning...

HCM (looking in my direction): Are you guys on dope or something? What's your opinion?

HCM glares at poor me, the 1-month old intern.

Melvin (mumbling): Well...erm...I do understand what's going on

HCM: And?

Melvin (kicking himself for not paying attention): Well... [blink blink]

Meeting drags on for another 20 minutes before HCM concludes the meeting abruptly and storms out without any goodbyes. Pin drop silence follows. My usually jovial boss is unusually stressed out.

DH (forcing on a tired smile): Any thoughts? Comments?

Melvin (trying to sound confident): Well.. I felt...blah blah blah... so we should.. blah blah blah.. and that should work.

DH: Why didn't you say that earlier when he (HCM) was around?? You looked like you were about to.

Melvin (not sounding so confident anymore): Ah.. that was because...[blink blink]

And that's how my Tuesday evening at office ended.
---

Wednesday and Thursday, on the other hand, were markedly different. Significant merchant deals inked. Jobscope expansion. A decent meeting with DH I had actually prepared for and so was able to contribute meaningfully to.

LIFE TRULY IS A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE.

the blurt

2009-06-03T01:53:00.004+08:00

So I have a horrendous experience with a merchant today. Waste my time attending the off-site discussion. And the 2-way cab fare. So when I get back to the office, I slam my file down on the desk and exclaim to the rest of the team... "STUPID INDIANS!!!"

They stare at me for a moment. before one of them says.... "identity crisis?"

Citigroup's off the Dow. Ironically, Travelers' taken its place. A sad case of the servant becoming the master?

I wish I could just sleep the rest of the week away.

the stench of cats

2009-06-01T22:48:00.002+08:00

I found out that there's a club that doesn't close even at 8am. Indians definitely club the HARDEST. Unfortunately, 10 hours of drinking/partying is about all that I can handle. Age is getting to me.

Acid Bar reminds me of New York. No, I haven't been to the Big Apple yet. But I've watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. before. And the girl performing at Acid reminded me of Phoebe Buffet for some reason. I'm definitely asking her to perform Smelly Cats the next time I head down to that dazzlingly gorgeous place.

My self-proclaimed godson hid my mobile phone cover the other day. After engaging the help of his family and the two helpers to ransack the living room, we finally found it in his toy chest. Nothing melts your heart faster than a 2 year old giving you the guilty look.

I thought I had forgotten how to become sad. Now I know I haven't. It's a nice feeling. A nice, forgotten feeling.

I think it is very odd that you can't remove pending friend requests on facebook.

the day the bitches reigned

2009-05-27T22:32:00.002+08:00

today, i encountered the worst possible customer. i caught her cheating. and she accused me of putting the blame all on her. bitch.

today, i also affirmed the existence of another sad, old bitch. bitch.

poor, poor bitches.

the books i read

2009-05-25T21:49:00.004+08:00

This morning, I read a NORMAL book on my way to work. I say normal because my previous 2 were...

JESUS: A STORY OF ENLIGHTENMENT by Deepak Chopra. It'a a blasphemous book about His unrecorded 'lost' years. Chopra decides to conjure up random episodes of His life that most probably never ever happened, but serve to give a human experience to this person we call the Son of Man. These episodes supposedly allow a very mortal Jesus to discover the Way. For some reason, everytime I picture Chopra, I picture Mike Myers next to him.
UNDERCOVER SEX SIGNALS by Leil Lowndes. 'nuf said. In my defence, I only read one chapter and got bored of it.

So the normal book was simply titled 'THE RACE'. It's about finding the real journy in life. I like this book firstly because the pages are reallly smooth. And the message of the book is really cool. About focusing on what matters. Streamlining our priorities. Knowing what matters and what shouldn't. And while reading... I felt... CONNECTED.

the imaginary friend

2009-05-24T21:59:00.003+08:00

Chivas and green tea concoction. LETHAL. It's puzzling how one can be so devoid of emotion when sober, and exactly the opposite when not. Does it mean that I'm no different from the rest? That I'm an emotional wreck on the inside? But if I were, I would feel it. I would know it and I would be trying to suppress it, being the stoic that I am. I would be putting up a facade. But I'm really not. Maybe I've conditioned myself to be emotionally detached. To the extent that it doesn't require any conscious effort any longer. That's just sad.

That must be it. It has to be. Afterall, I'm still able to laugh, joke, dance, sincerely have fun, and not be burdened by the many, MANY things that have been happening over the course of the past 10 days. (No, it isn't just that one issue). I'm still in control, and I'm thoroughly impressed.

Last night, I had the nicest dream in a long while. Alas, it'll probably only remain a dream. I'm not sure what triggered it, her memory having been dormant for so long. I guess seeing her parents from a distance a couple of hours earlier had something to do with it. So the dream... It was a phone conversation. With someone I hardly know. I don't remember any visuals. All I can recall is that I was stammering like I used to when I was in primary school. And she ended the conversation saying something (I don't remember what) that was enough to make my heart skip a beat. And this is MY heart you're talking about. So it definitely is something.

I won't settle for less.
I can't.

And until someone like that comes along, I shall be obsessed with my imaginary friend.

the bumpy ride

2009-05-05T01:01:00.006+08:00

Leadership camp at Port Dickson went well. I like how I got convinced about things I never thought I'd be convinced about. I loved the intellectually stimulating lectures. I thought the food was pretty amazing. I liked both nights, different as they were - one was spent at a beachfront coffee stall that didn't keep tab of our orders and thereafter, vetting a friend's theology paper; the other was spent at a high society bar at the Hilton Hotel in KL. The lodging was BAD but it didn't really matter cos we hardly spent time in the rooms. Still, I made sure I was as far away from the ground as possible when I slept. Not exactly a fan of rodents.

First day at Citi and I fell asleep during the meeting cos I couldn't understand all the acronyms cos nobody had bothered to orientate me before that. RCPL, AKON, SC, Project C. Looks like I'll have to figure everything out on my own. I hope I leave an impression. A good number of Citi senior management are Indian. RESPECT.

I need to learn to stop being so defensive of my work. And stop thinking like a politician. Someone called me a "heavyweight" at exco today. I'm pretty sure that isn't a good thing. Maybe I should just stop expressing my opinions and start nodding my head to whatever anyone says...

The AWARE saga. Religion should be kept in the private space? MY FOOT. Religion should be out in the open. And we need to learn to appreciate different views. Having said that, I'm glad the new guards have admitted defeat. They weren't the culprits. The old guards were equally innocent too. The stealthy Murdochian wrongdoer is much much bigger. Much more powerful.

Big brother has a loud voice....

the cans of worms

2009-04-27T07:42:00.003+08:00

Sunday
FREAKY FREAKY SUNDAY. It was definitely weird. But it let me see the ignorance and spite of many. People who just stood by and thought of it as nothing more than entertainment. People who were grinning like they were enjoying every moment of it. People who passed judgment without knowing head or tail. And people who actually cared. It showed me one thing. We need to fight our own battles. Because, hypocritical as it is, nobody really gives a flying fish.

And I would never have paid 29.50 to get on the Flyer. Not to see the IR construction.

Crystal ball
My worst grades ever. Summa cum laude graduation, nevertheless. Citi Associate. Citi Management Associate? Decisions, decisions, decisions....

Choices
I feel like puking just thinking about it. I'm just waiting for things to set themselves right. Unfortunately, indecision doesn't solve everything. It doesn't solve ANYTHING. I feel irritated. Surprisingly, it isn't with myself. It's with everything else. With timing, with attitudes. London is definitely coming at a good time. But what do I do till then? I know I'm not a bad person. But why do I fear that I am?

One can of worms traded in for another.

the final countdown...

2009-04-18T01:36:00.007+08:00

In less than 10 hours, I will be done with SMU. I can't wait. I know it's going to be anti-climatic. It always is. But I'm still looking forward to it. I don't hate the university or anything. But I don't love it either. Still, I owe it to the school for showing me...

the not-so-good stuff...
how to be ruthless,
how to be overly-ambitious,
how to be competitive,
how to raise expectations,
how to suck up (although I'm hardly good at it),
how to be politely condescending of inferior deliverables,
how to fake a smile,
how to fake a concerned face,
how to exaggerate,
how to work for more than 24 hours at a go,
how to sleep 2 hours a day, for a week,
how to mind my own business,
how group study rooms are not used just for studying

the good stuff...
how to voice my opinions,
how to challenge the views of others,
how to engage almost anyone in conversation,
how to dress to kill,
how to sound like I know what I'm talking about,
how to become interested in bloomberg and cnbc,
how to create something out of nothing,
how to club the day before an exam,
how to complete the exam when you're still high,
how well work and beer go together,
how to study for a term's work in a day,
how the song 'closing time' goes,
how to choose friends,
how to be a friend,
how to let go,
how to leave it all to Him.

I think I'll be fine. yep.

the much-deserved break

2009-04-08T02:52:00.002+08:00

A select few are flying. but i'm still struggling to take off.

Call me already, dammit!

In other news, London's finally becoming a reality. In a couple of months, for a couple of months. I hope I find an excuse not to come back. But that would be so evil and selfish of me given that our generous gahrmen will be footing the bill It's going to be cold and gloomy, just the way I like it. I can just picture myself. Beer in one hand, fag in another. Ok, maybe not. I'll have to make friends. I hate that part. I hope the accent rubs off me. It's quite sexy. Think Mischa Barton. I hope to attend nice big traditional churches on Sunday mornings to juxtapose my Friday and Saturday nights. Or every other night, if I'm lucky. I need to learn how to cook. I want to zig-zag across Europe, take lots of pictures, try space cakes, look at nice buildings, examine grand ruins, probably watch a soccer... sorry FOOTBALL match just to brag.

But before all that, I have my final four exams at SMU to clear in a week's time.

FINAL FOUR! (but still jobless)

the strategy

2009-04-02T06:35:00.004+08:00

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

- Bessie Stanley

the light at the end of the tunnel

2009-03-24T17:22:00.002+08:00

HAHA

Pehli Nazar Mein

What magic did that first gaze do to me
The magic that made this heart, yours forever
Whatever’s going happen now, doesn’t matter to me
Let’s celebrate this moment of love, together
Here I am now
And here you are
Come into my arms, oh c’mon
Oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms

You are in each and every prayer of mine
Without you, each moment has no shine
With you these heartbeats are on cloud nine
There’s only love over here
Definitely something in here
Since I met you, one fine day
Ever since I was lost in your love
Oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms

Each moment apart from you, drives me insane
This feeling of love, brings some pain
My thirst for you makes my thoughts go plain
There’s only love over here
Definitely something in here
The distance between us, won't let me live now
For you, please understand my desire
Oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms

the peaceful suicide

2009-03-23T03:06:00.008+08:00

I needed some fresh air so I sneaked out of Attica and went for a walk at 3am along the Singapore River. For some reason, my friends thought I had suicidal tendencies, got very worried, and started calling my mobile unceasingly. Nice to know I have friends who care like that.

While on the topic of suicide, I recently read the farewell note of the SAF doctor who plunged to his death at Westgate Bridge in Melbourne earlier this month. Discounting all the controversy surrounding the politics of it all, I still found the contents of the letter very disturbing. It didn't have anything to do with morbidity. There was hardly any. And that was why this letter was different from any other suicide note. The guy was at peace. His decision was not one of haste. He stood resolute. He jumped resolute. He had it all figured out. He knew what he was doing. And yet he did it.

"I have decided to end my life. I will do so happily, at peace with the life I have lived... I am not depressed, and never have been.... I can happily say that I have led a full life, despite it ending at the age of 27... I die happy, at peace, almost eager to see what comes next, if anything at all."

I picture him smiling, leaping off the bridge, arms outstretched, liberated, waiting to embrace the waters below that would effect his death. Why did he trivialize life like that? How could he? I ask this without passing any judgment. I really want to know. It must be a huge load off the shoulders. To believe that nothing really matters in the end. All that you've lived for are those memories that you will take to your watery grave and nowhere beyond. All that you've lived for is the present. And that amounts to nothing. Is this delusional thinking? Imagine what it would be like if this thinking was propagated to the masses - that it doesn't matter, nothing does. because life is transient, so are we. imagine if you said bye to your friend, only to see him walk away, climb onto the ledge, look back at u, smile, wave, and step right off. (recall the ACS kid a few months go) It's a stretch, yes. But it illustrates a point. If we started thinking like that, this world would become much more chaotic that it already is. The flags don't go up. So you won't know who's next.

"I do not believe in an afterlife, or a God. Death should be final and absolute... I have no sufficient investment or interest in any such temporal or spiritual thinking, and this is the main thrust of my decision to pass from this world"

Where there are no consequences, there are no boundaries, there are no restraining forces. There is just... what I think there should be.

the cocktail marathon

2009-03-07T15:00:00.004+08:00

In one evening.

Who cares if some were ladies drinks... $5 a piece!

the painfully draining WAIT

2009-03-04T00:17:00.005+08:00

i've underestimated the power of greed. it's true. it is utterly INSATIABLE.

when i entered uni, i had never heard of such ridiculous sums of money before. so i said i would be happy landing a job that paid X dollars. then i read some supid survey that claimed that the top 20 percent of graduates earned 2X dollars. so I told myself that I wouldn't be happy unless i earned 2X as well. THEN i hear that IB interns (interns, not full-timers) get 4X. and this is across all IB departments.. Citi (now we know where the money's going to), ML, DB, MS, GS, CS, UBS...

So then i wanted 4X for a short time. although i knew deep down that i wouldn't really enjoy the job. so i told myself that i'd be happy with 2X. and i would never trade all my free time for the additional 2X. then the call comes in. and i realise that i'm THIS CLOSE to landing the job. i get excited. but since i'm so jaded, the excitement feels so weird. so draining. and now i want that job again. even though i feel so drained even thinking about it. and now i wait.. hoping that i don't hope that i get through. but really, i'm in denial. for 3 minutes after the interviews conclude, i found myself pacing about, wondering when they would call me with the good news.

life would have been so much more pleasent and satisfying... if only i were ignorant.

i'm NOT gonna get it. dammit. WAKE UP.

oh, and thank you, dear friends, for shouldering the burden. you have no idea how much you've helped...

the reminder when the clouds clear

2009-02-22T23:50:00.003+08:00

i am thankful for the near-hits and near-misses in life. they make living interesting. and tiresome at times. more tiresome than interesting actually. but still. then there's something to lament about. a perfect life would be so boring, i think. and when you've pulled through, you get to go around and parade your accomplishment , as though you had expected that outcome from the onset. everyone's guilty of doing that, i'm sure. perhaps 'guilty' isn't apt. because after all that struggle, maybe you've earned the right to brag. just maybe.

i'm hoping to be able to brag some day. not to put others down. i don't see any fun in doing that, and i know some do. i think it's been so long since i actually earned the right to do so. i've been resting on past laurels for the past 3 years. i can't recall when i lost my drive. i seem to have it, but i really don't. it's a little too late to be thinking this. but, i'm quite sure my biggest mistake to date was deciding to go to THAT institution. sure it looks really good on a resume. But I think i got sapped there. and just never really recovered. that set everything in motion. that downward spiral to where i am right now. which is still a great place to be in, no doubt. but still...

some said my then-current institution was elitist. and perhaps that was one of the reasons i defected (yes, defected!). but if it really was (and i'm not saying that it is), it would only have worked in my favor. why didn't i see it like that then??? but what's done is done.

so i need to prop myself up. i'm not one to wallow in self pity. i work things out. i used to be stoic. i guess i've been weathered down. i need that exogenous push to get me going again. and where will that come from?

friends? maybe to a certain extent.
family? to a larger extent.
love? i'm a realist. but i would be glad to be proven wrong.
luck? again, i'm a realist.
myself? exogenous, dammit!
God? i can only pray.

and when it finally happens, please bear with me.

the love doctor

2009-02-15T13:16:00.002+08:00

"Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump?"

If you're going to jump anyway, do you leap and maybe fly, or just fall. Doesn't hurt to leap, I guess. I guess?

I guess.

the red, the black

2009-02-02T17:01:00.005+08:00

there's something oddly serene about this.
it's a lamentation of sorts.
but with that, a glimmer of hope
that the heavens hear
our struggle called life.
we aren't mere conformists.
but that doesn't make us evil.
does it?

because we believe.
or want to believe.
and that beats tradition any day.
brave enough to be free,
we challenge.

oh, but we must never forget
to believe

"and my prayers are to finally see the light"

the new favorite

2009-02-01T00:51:00.003+08:00

Out goes the penthouse. In comes the luscious bedroom.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have all that I have. Cos that means I get more than I can handle.
Actually, I should just stop thinking.
And live.

the jet will fly

2009-01-24T20:48:00.004+08:00

i'm not much of a poet. so when i randomly craft a poem with the help of a much more talented friend, i get excited and want to share it. Lines in orange are mine, those in grey are hers. yes, there's a reason i didn't major in lit:

flu flu fly away,come again another day!
notti melvin wants to play
notti boii notti boii
jumping up 'n down with his toy
toy boy, boy toy
young and old come, don't be coy
what you looking at, don't so shy
its not the first time you're seeing my thigh
i konw you want it, don't lie
sigh.. i'm so high
don't leave me.. er.. dry?
no no you'll be wet
and fly like a jet
ok set!

the resevoir

2009-01-18T22:55:00.006+08:00

The reason I dare post this is because I'm pretty sure my readership has dwindled to near zero (I hope).

It was late. It was dark. Saw a really big moon in the sky. Dozens of stars dotted the unusually clear skies. The breeze was calm. The waters were still. All was quiet except for the occasional bus passing by in the distance. So I was pretty sure we would... But we didn't. Instead, I watched her sleep in my arms. For most of the night.

And that was way better.

:)

the crystal ball

2009-01-02T01:56:00.005+08:00

TIME has got to be the most ingenious of all creation.

It allows memories and experiences, both good and bad. It allows the maturing of the mind and the gaining of wisdom. It allows progress and development of anything and everything. It allows historical moments and fervent hope in the future. It allows the appreciation of what we've been put through. It allows the appreciation of what we've been spared. It allows one to move on. It allows the slate to be wiped clean. It allows new beginnings and fresh opportunities.

It is the gateway to the limitless window of the past, present and future. It is pure. It is untainted. It invites the best in us. It makes us want to do better. It urges us to set things right. It encourages us to press on. It gives us hope.

And whether we choose to spend the crossover in quiet prayer at church, or at home with the family, or out in the cold on the streets of Time Square, or at random countdowns at Clarke Quay or other party spots, it is this hope that brings meaning to those of us who bother to look for it.

So here we go.

the surprisingly not-so-different xmas

2008-12-27T15:59:00.002+08:00

This year was supposed to be different. New church. New friends. New routine. For the first time in 14 years, I didn't spend xmas eve caroling. For the first time in 14 years, I didn't countdown to the crossover at some youth's house and erupt in a charismatic rendition of 'Samathana Prabhu' coupled with some really unjack dance steps. It wasn't such a big deal to be the first to wish everyone at the stroke of midnight anymore. Maybe it's me growing up. Or maybe just a welcomed change.

But it was still very much like previous Christmases in so many ways. I still got up for service as groggy as ever (the dreaded effects of too much Bombay Sapphire, no doubt). I still went for service with the family (minus the brother, as usual). I still had very beautiful people to snap pics with after service. I still experienced a family fiasco that threatened to ruin Christmas. I still (over)ate the usual Indian food (2 lunches & 3 dinners of roughly the same thing).

For some reason. I liked this year better than the rest. I think it was because of the refreshing change in setting. Change is always good.

And so this is how Christmas went:
Bombay Sapphire and Anchor Beer concoction. Pissing in the open. Cabbing home at 6am. Not remembering waking up half an hour later. Sleeping in the toilet. Getting ready in 7 minutes. 2 services. Being greeted with fake smiles. Greeting the fakers with fake smiles. O Holy Night. The First Noel - Pachelbel's Canon in D postlude. Presents. Sakuntala's. Family fiasco. 10-course lunch. Dozing off at the wheel on the expressway 3 times. Talking to myself to keep myself awake. Dead rat. Family dinner. Very crowded house at Teban. Only 2 sips of wine. Presents. Whiskey glass :D. Pink cap. Sick talk of sanitation methods. Blabbering on the couch. Finding myself in the guest room the next morning.

Merry Xmas, y'all!

the unbeatables

2008-12-16T03:32:00.008+08:00

I finally understand how chips are used. It's quite exhilarating when you receive a stack of them in exchange for the 200 bucks that somehow don't seem as much to you any longer. Sitting at the table alongside others playing French Boule, many with cigarettes and cigars in hand, I couldn't help but roleplay Yan Fei in 'The Unbeatables'. Pretending to be deep in thought, rubbing my stubble in slow motion, staring intently at the gold-plated dice container as if by some miracle I would be able to see right through it, placing my chips on the board with the confidence of a professional, I imagined myself to be the King of Coral Island. It gives you a sense of power when you instruct the banker where you want your bets placed. It's hard to hide the smirk when someone else at the table loses all his chips and leaves empty handed. Nothing beats the adrenalin rush when I take a risky position, win, and claim the 1200% payout.

It is but a game. To be played with an attitude of triviality and only if you can afford it. Sadly, many don't know that. And many more act like they don't.

the legitimate "wine dinner"

2008-12-12T02:38:00.004+08:00

After an weird encounter with a very-hard-to-understand person at church which totally wrecked the mood for me and caused me to leave the place alot later than I had intended, I headed down to a friend's house party. It had the makings of a pretty swell Singaporean house party. (Emphasis on Singaporean because our definition of partying is significantly different from other liberal countries.) There was really loud music (albeit mostly trance), lots of free booze (by free, i mean that the university paid for it), good food, the best cheesecake ever (da paolo!), happy happy people (the booze ran out), and a big house all to ourselves.

But I couldn't exactly enjoy myself much. Because it had to be Ridgewood, of all condominiums. My roots don't mean anything. I make my own destiny. Only that should matter. Somehow, it's much harder to accept than I had expected.

the post i dont exactly understand

2008-12-09T02:34:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, it's fun to do something wrong. No, no. It's fun to do what others perceive as wrong. Maybe it's the adrenalin rush. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe there isn't any reason for it at all. There are times when you do things without thinking of the consequences. It's not that you don't care. It's not that you're being selfish. To be selfish, you need to be consicously aware of the consequences and actively choose not to keep them in consideration. What if it simply doesn't occur to you that what you're doing has consequences. The lack of consideration becomes passive. Not to the point that it becomes ignorance, though. What if this state of oblivion becomes extended?

I'm not sure how to rationalise such actions. I'm thinking that maybe you're in this state of 'perpetual drunkenness' - not to be taken literally of course. I'm still wondering how one arrives at this point of 'perpetual drunkenness' and when this state of mind ceases. Like literal drunkenness, figurative drunkenness creeps into our minds insidiously. And it is only in retrospect that we know that we exercised a lack of judgment.

Everything becomes permissible when you become desensitized.

I'm desensitized.
But no, I'm not desensitized.

And therein lies the crux of the problem(s).

the lunch to impress

2008-12-05T15:00:00.005+08:00

I don't like it when they try too hard to impress.
I don't like it when they laugh at a joke only because the professor initiated it.
I don't like it when they fight with me for attention.
I don't like it when they act like they have executive lunches at the Equinox all the time.
I don't like it when I bring a camera, but am afraid to use it.
I don't like it when someone makes a not-so-funny joke in a bid to seem suave.
I don't like it when silence follows that not-so-funny joke, even if that's the appropriate response.
I don't like it when I mumble because I'm uncomfortable.
I don't like it when people have extended hard-to-follow conversations.
I don't like it when all they do at the table is talk about how well they trade currency futures or discuss the extent to which deleveraging has taken place in the financial sector.

I liked the food, though.
I liked the lift that brought us up 70 floors in about 10 seconds.
And I liked it when the professor was the one to foot the $800 bill.

the bloody thanksgiving

2008-11-28T03:32:00.008+08:00

Happy thanksgiving? If you really need to take it out on the country, take it out on the citizens, not the foreigners. Life goes on...

Visuals courtesy of Reuters

the shitty bank

2008-11-21T22:37:00.005+08:00

The crisis is finally hitting closer to home. Too close, infact.

What could possibly save Citi. The 20% expense cut, the axing of 52,000 workers, the $25b capital injection from the government, the capital raising exercise of a further $50b, the Saudi Prince's increase in stake. All that couldn't stop Citigroup's shares from plunging to 1994 levels. To put things in perspective, think of a company with market capitalization of $270b shrinking to just a tenth of that - in the vicinity of $25.7b.

Too big to fail? I sure bloody hope so. But the Treasury Secretary has refused to say anything except that "nobody should be so big". What's that supposed to mean?

If this mammoth bank goes under, I'd probably suffer a stroke. And die a poor man.

the launch

2008-11-16T05:47:00.003+08:00

So it was the album launch at the Esplanade and i thought the vocals were just SPLENDID. Mitwa was awesome. Drums were spectacular. Percussion was more than brilliant. Keyboards, as usual, the humble show-maker. I'm sincerely surprised it wasn't full house. Dumb Singaporeans don't know a star when they see one.

Afterparty was decently wild as I recall. Cuban Libre. Empire. Bollywood Dhoom. Good, clean fun. The way it's usually been.

Amidst all that, I managed to squeeze in a chat with a headhunter about my predicament. He assured to me, in his highness, that a finance degree was one of the best qualifications to have and mentioned that he had connections that could help me. I found that really reassuring. And that was enough to forget the alcohol that I had purchased. What's a housepour of red worth anyway??

Happy birthday, YOU! New experiences for a new you. :)

Bulldogs are here to stay :(

the color GREEN

2008-11-13T17:56:00.003+08:00

i'm getting sick of people who project their displeasure of my friends on me.

but i guess one more enemy wouldn't hurt.

the call

2008-11-07T03:03:00.005+08:00

"...And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world – our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta . She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing – Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons – because she was a woman and because of the colour of her skin.

Tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America – the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbour and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham , a bridge in Selma , and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin , a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America , through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America. "

Barack Obama
44th President-elect
The United States of America

the election results

2008-11-05T16:31:00.005+08:00

I prefer Clinton to Obama, but I'd pick the latter over McCain any day. A pity he didn't win by a large voter margin, though. To think that half the country still believe in Republican policies of weaponry muscle and small government after all that's happened.

And I thought that 65% of Americans not being able to spot Britain on the world map was bad.

Visuals courtesy of msnbc.com

the train

2008-10-29T01:06:00.005+08:00

I think I'm truly gifted and cursed at the same time. I don't know of anyone else who can stare at accounting figures for 5 straight hours with no rest whatsoever, even when his friends give up and watch downloaded episodes of Entourage on a 50" plasma just 2 meters away. This, on Diwali, after putting house visits on hold, thereby denying himself of the pleasures of festive food and alcohol. :(

If it means missing the train, I'm not necessarily out of the game altogether. All it means is that I'll be playing catch up when the time comes. Or, I might just change my mind and decide to hop on. Either way, I want to be on that train. I don't know yet... we'll just have to see.

Happy birthday, Baker-friend!

the singh is kinng... sometimes

2008-10-25T23:26:00.004+08:00

It's nice to dance to Hindi music once in awhile. The next time you think of going to Rupee Room at Clarke Quay, go to Club Colaba at Boat Quay instead. Cover's cheap, music's pretty varied so you're not dancing to unknown Hindi songs the whole night and bouncers sleep while standing up.

The world needs more daughters.

the premium wine tasting function

2008-10-23T00:40:00.002+08:00

I felt a little important today. Managed to get myself an invite to a private function at Harry's. This wasn't any ordinary gathering. I was there to help determine which premium wines would make their wine list. That meant lots of expensive but free wines for me. I like.

So the next time you visit Harry's, turn to the wine section, observe the awesome selection like 'Watershed Shiraz Margaret River 2004' or 'Contada Chianti DOGC 2006', and remember that I played a part!

Oh, and trust me. They're worth more than the $100 bucks per bottle you'll be forking out.

the clash of the weddings

2008-10-21T01:30:00.006+08:00

The first of the six in our childhood group finally got married last week. Who would have thought that this day would come so soon. It's all so unfamiliar, although I've been involved in countless weddings before. It's different this time. Because it's one of us. And it forces us to realize that we've finally grown up. Allow me to reminisce for a moment here. We've come a long way together. From innocent and naive adolescents, through the passage of time we've become stronger and developed character.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, the torch has been passed on to us. It's time to make a living for ourselves. It's time to be adults, to take on real responsibilities with real stakes on the table. It's pretty overwhelming just thinking about it. Even for the ones who don't hear wedding bells in the near future (ie. me) - graduation. job search. finally meeting the real world. real threats. risky decisions.

Well, I'm sure the newly-weds will go far (pun intended). The Bahamas is a long loong way away, after all. My most sincere wishes to the two of you. Starting a family in a foreign land on your own seems quite daunting. But I'm sure you two will manage some how.

Another wedding coming soon. But this one is just too... complicated. It was an awkward and sad phone call. For me at least. I couldn't bring myself to congratulate you or wish you although I knew that that would have made you happy. But that would have been hypocritical of me. And you would have seen right through it. Would you really have bought that? We saw it coming for YEARS. And yet, it's still awkward. I guess if it makes you happy, good for you. I truly appreciate the effort taken in mailing me a separate invite as requested despite receiving two beforehand. I don't know why I asked you to do that, but it really doesn't make any sense for me to be present. If this makes it any better, I still do cherish the good ol' days despite what I say. And no amount of jealousy and hatred from anyone will be able change that.

Two weddings. Two very different emotions. Life's a rollercoaster. It really is.

the denier

2008-10-18T11:44:00.003+08:00

she danced. she kissed. she cried. she laughed. she fell. again and again.

and she denied it all.

the eccentric professor

2008-10-15T22:16:00.003+08:00

Ethics class was.. interesting.

The professor pulled out a wallet-sized iron ore from his shoe after claiming to have visited a Brazillian iron mine over the weekend
Then he pulled out some twigs from his bag and said he'd plucked them from a dying Sumatran rainforest.
He subsequently tried to saw the twigs with a toy saw, but to no avail.
He decided to use a more sophisticated cutting instrument (see picture below).
He thought it'd be fun to cut someone's finger instead. He asked for volunteers while holding a bloodied hankie. No one was brave enough.
He pulled out three lighted cigarettes from his shirt pocket and started smoking them.

My Ethics prof is eccentric. I'd call him 'mad', if he didn't have Dean, Harvard Law School and Attorney General, New York State on his resume (which I immediately checked out after class, of course).

I would like to work at One Raffles Quay one day. Huge lobbies, spanking new designer offices, plush carpeting, futuristic corridors, breathtaking view of the sea, unobstructed view of The Sail@Marina Bay (for the voyeurs), Lau Pa Sat just across the road, UBS, Deutsche, RBS, Barclays, Credit Suisse, ABN Amro (notice they're all non-US). Aaah...the epitome of class.

the sign of a fallen nation

2008-10-13T16:09:00.004+08:00

A clock that's run out of digits. Notice the make-shift non-digitised dollar sign that's been pasted on to make room for the '1' digit that's taken its place. They've finally decided to replace the board with one that can track debt up to a quadrillion dollars.

I didn't know that number even existed.

the wrong thing to do

2008-10-09T00:27:00.002+08:00

it's one thing to know right from wrong.
but it's a whole different ball game altogether where the rubber meets the road.

the absurd thing is that i tell myself that i'll pray about it knowing full well what i ought to do.
but it makes so much sense to do just the opposite.

whywhywhywhywhy.

the day that wasn't Massa's

2008-09-29T20:59:00.005+08:00

I managed to get in! So what if I had to sell ponchos and ear plugs for three back-breaking hours... sometimes to people younger than me. So what if an Indian girl came up to me and snapped a picture of me like I was part of the whole show and I had to scare her away by surprising her with a retort that went something like "What the hell do you think you're doing!?". I'm not cut out for sales. I'm really not.

But the atmosphere was BRILLIANTLY ELECTRIFYING. To watch the whole race proper, you still had to look at the giant screen set up on the Padang. Which meant that we were probably seeing the same pictures as the home viewers. But the sound and smell made it all worth it (especially since we didn't pay a single cent. heee). Bellowing F1 engines all around you, people cheering most unexpectedly (and you ran and joined them, not knowing what you were cheering for), the faint aroma of gasoline every time a car passed you, sweat. We only managed to get a proper view for the last 5 laps, though. For most of the rest, I was busy climbing scaffolding. But I was happy. I'm glad I didn't pay for walk-about tickets. Imagine forking out $108 dollars so that you could climb scaffolding.

I think I'm going to follow the race from now on. 3 more races in Japan, China and Brazil before Hamilton gets crowned champion. But then, anything can happen. It's normal to pull out of the pitstop while refuelling, you see.

I know the song's lame. I couldn't find anything better la.

the naked man

2008-09-25T17:46:00.005+08:00

So the lift at my place screwed up today and opened at any floor I wanted it to, just like any normal lift would. That wouldn't be considered screwing up if not for the fact that this lift opens directly into the apartments. So technically, I had free access to every single apartment in the building. All I had to do was push the button. So I decided to cave in to my voyeuristic tendencies and check out the lift lobbies of the people living above me. I pressed 20, the lift went up, stopped at 20, the doors opened, and lo, and behold, a GHASTLY sight was set before me...

Fat, ugly, hairy man.
White underwear.
Lying amidst a good number of shoes.
Sprawled out.
Scratching his ass.

He simply froze. That was hilarious. I'm sure he heard my stifled laughter as I quickly pressed the close button.

I live amongst weirdos.

the Creed, by Steve Turner, 1978

2008-09-22T19:30:00.008+08:00

A satirical response to the postmodernists' belittling of those who believe in absolutes in a pluralistic world:

We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin

We believe everything is OK

as long as you don't hurt anyone

to the best of your definition of hurt,

and to the best of your knowledge.

We believe in sex before, during, and after marriage.

We believe in the therapy of sin.

We believe that adultery is fun.

We believe that sodomy’s OK.

We believe that taboos are taboo.

We believe that everything's getting better

despite evidence to the contrary.

The evidence must be investigated

And you can prove anything with evidence.

We believe there's something in

horoscopes, UFO's and bent spoons.

Jesus was a good man

just like Buddha, Mohammed, and ourselves.

He was a good moral teacher

though we think His good morals were bad.

We believe that all religions are basically the same-

at least the one that we read was.

They all believe in love and goodness.

They only differ on matters of

creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.

We believe that after death comes The Nothing

Because when you ask the dead what happens they say Nothing.

If death is not the end, if the dead have lied,

then its compulsory heaven for all

excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan

We believe in Masters and Johnson

What's selected is average.

What's average is normal.

What's normal is good.

We believe in total disarmament.

We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.

Americans should beat their guns into tractors .

And the Russians would be sure to follow.

We believe that man is essentially good.

It's only his behavior that lets him down.

This is the fault of society.

Society is the fault of conditions.

Conditions are the fault of society.

We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.

Reality will adapt accordingly.

The universe will readjust.

History will alter.

We believe that there is no absolute truth

excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.

We believe in the rejection of creeds,

And the flowering of individual thought.

Postscript:

If chance be the Father of all flesh,

disaster is his rainbow in the sky

and when you hear

State of Emergency!

Sniper Kills Ten!

Troops on Rampage!

Whites go Looting!

Bomb Blasts School!

It is but the sound of man

worshipping his maker.

the stupid people

2008-09-21T02:15:00.003+08:00

(No, this isn't about the car park incident at TMC.)

When someone insults you or taunts you, do you have to respond? Would it come across as cowardly not to? Or would that be wise. Only the wise (and the busy) pick their fights. Some fights just aren't worth it. Some people simply aren't worth your attention. I know that. But does that mean you walk away? I didn't want to. But I did. I wanted to spew insults back at them (and I can do that quite well, as some of you already know). But then a fight would ensue. That's what they would want. That's exactly what I don't want. That's why I left. I really don't think it's necessary to chalk up $10,000 in legal bills again. Especially when I'm not at fault. So I walked (drove) away. I had half a mind to turn around and ram into them, or at least scare them into thinking that I was going to. It's scary, the things you want to do when you're infuriated. I'm glad I didn't. Cos it would have cost me much more than it would have cost them.

They're stupid people after all. Stupid people whose combined PSLE scores wouldn't even come close to mine. Stupid people who feel they ought to be respected. Stupid people without a future. Stupid people who only know how to screw. And it's not that hard to screw. Stupid dumb ass people.

And I've everything to lose. It sucks when you have much more going for you than them. Then you've got to be cautious about everything you do. Well, I guess that's the price you pay for having more going for you. A price I guess I could afford if I bite my lip hard enough.

I guess life's fair... in a really weird way.

N.B.: I'm not elitist. I don't look down on people because they lack intelligence. But I do look down on people I don't like. I'm human.

the financial shakeout

2008-09-19T00:06:00.002+08:00

Just 12 months ago, the investment banking landscape was dominated by 5 mammoth banks: Morgan Stanley, Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns.

Then Bear wound up when its stocks plunged from about $60 a piece to less than 10% of that over one weekend.

Then poor Lehman had to do the same when nobody wanted anything to do with its rotting debt obligations.

On the same day, Merrill got acquired by Bank of America.

Now, Morgan Stanley's deciding to sell a 49% stake to China Investment Corp.

Goldman, when's your turn? Banking at the big 5 isn't so cool anymore. Not when 4 of the 5 are making headlines like that. And all because of what? Cos the lenders decided that it would be alright to extend loans to the defaulters, the unemployed and the irresponsible. And investment bankers, being the innovative people that they are, decided to slice and dice those loans beyond recognition and sell them to investors who didn't understand, but didn't want to admit.

Life was much simpler then. When all you had were stocks, bonds and currencies. Now you have a plethora of abbreviations - CDOs, CDSs, CMOs, ABSs, MBSs, CLOs, CMBSs, CBOs. They call them structured products. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone when I say that 'structure' is nothing more than a euphemism for 'zenith of complexity'.

Oh well. Let's just hope that things simmer down by end-2009. I would like to have a job when I graduate, you see.

the poised man

2008-09-10T23:29:00.004+08:00

The time is nearing when I won't be giving any more tuition lessons for the rest of the year. MBA tuition ended last week. PSLE tuition's ending in a month. Then I'll only have the Singtel roadshows to tide me through. And that sucks because I won't be getting a steady stream of income. This is why a commission-based job won't cut it for me. It's too unpredictable. Too risky. I'm pretty sure I'd be quite content with a fixed salary and 7-month bonus at the end of each year.

I was fixing up a list of words for my tuition kid to expand her vocabulary and added "poised" to the list. I decided to try the words on this particular person in the vicinity to see if the standard I was setting was too high. I had added the word "poised" to the list and asked this person what the meaning of the word was. His response (in all seriousness) cracked me up -

"an erected man"

I dunno. It's just... funny.

the rambling man

2008-09-06T15:47:00.002+08:00

I suppose some of us are cave dwellers,
some of us live in houses,
some of us like to be loose footed.
I'm a ramblin' man.

I wanna be a rambling man

And you're going to keep on rambling?
Oh yes, he he, have to.

the 10 things i dislike most

2008-09-03T15:39:00.007+08:00

not in any particular order...

1. Automatic taps at shopping center restrooms that never seem to have working sensors and make you look like an idiot moving your hands all over hoping for water to flow.
2. Self-righteous jerks who think they're good enough to judge. Hope you get pantat cancer.
3. Intentionally hypocritical jerks who are alright with putting up an Oscar-winning act for the world to see.
4. The sound of fingernails scraping against dry paint.
5. People who take advantage of my (mildly) kind disposition.
6. MRT passengers who rush for the same seat as me.
7. Girls who think they're ALL THAT. Especially when they're not.
8. People who put the phone down on me
9. The prick who had the audacity to steal my phone in church during service 8 yrs ago
10. Unduly sensitive people.

Accounting module on a Monday morning is never a good idea. I started listing down examples of the Chinese professor's language deficiency to stay awake:

Below ler line. (below the line)
From lis wan. (from this one)
Information is not nat accurate. (information is not that accurate)
Exclute nem. (exclude them)
What is neir net turnover? (what is their net turnover)
There will be a lot of loises. (there will be a lot of noise)
You cannot igerlore them. (you cannot ignore them)
We should follow let. (we should follow that)
Nananananana. (the the the the the the)
Why do you sink this is necessary? (why do you think this is necessary?)
See you legs week! (see you next week!)

and.. er.. finally:

All the cunts. (all the accounts)

the missing holiday and internship

2008-08-26T23:27:00.004+08:00

Is it worth it? I'm passing on a holiday to Oz and might be spending Christmas alone just because I want to be around for an internship that might not even happen. Everyone's desperate. Everyone wants to impress. It's sickening. I don't mean this to sound chauvinistic in anyway. But the ladies have an unfair edge (and don't you deny it). Attended a Deutsche Bank recruitment event today and couldn't take my eyes off this ~~slut~~ girl who had slits up the sides of her skirt until just below the hips. Where do you get clothes like that, man. How does a guy dress provocatively and not appear not heterosexual?

The Director of Private Wealth Management I spoke to later on commented on how much he loved chicks and all they had to offer. He also mentioned that he prides himself on helping his clients manage their finances so that they can support both the wives and the mistresses. BANKERS ARE PROMISCUOUS. Bankers promote promiscuity. Infidelity is the norm. In a working environment like that, don't tell me that females don't have the upper hand (dignity is another issue altogether).

I found out that to do securities trading, I'll need to know C++ and other programming languages. I'm so screwed. I don't even know HTML.

Temasek Holdings is expected to have $12,000,000,000,000 (12 trillion) in its coffers by 2015. Enough to buy a considerable portion of the world, I reckon. But yet we see the beggars, the homeless and the hungry by the roads and at the coffee-shops. A senior government official (no names, just in case of web petrol) admitted that the government used to employ 'beggar petrols'. What did they do with them after they picked them up? Were they given a decent home to live in? Why do we still see beggars around then? I don't think there's anything wrong with being a welfare state.

So back to the topic of the missing internship. Met a friend of a friend who's interning with Deutsche and almost certainly getting his internship converted to an analyst position. When I was introduced, he said, "Oh you! I 've heard alot about you. You're the smart guy."

But you're the guy with the friggin internship!

the vodka nite

2008-08-23T05:08:00.003+08:00

i'm never good enough. for 0thers. for myself.

CCA day. Vivace. 170 sign ups. non-stop talking to complete strangers. raising $1000 in 5 hrs. recruitment talk. dissing permanent secretary of prime minister's office herself. hypocritically thanking her for joining us. friend's 22nd birthday. timbre. drinking too much vodka. letting the investment banker foot the bill. back to Sophia hostel. chatting about nonsense. drinking more vodka. passing out. waking up to snoring friend. cabbing back home at 4.30am. blogging.

nite.

the record-breaking jump

2008-08-21T23:50:00.003+08:00

It's nice to watch the olympics. Even if India and Singapore are almost non-existent. It's nice to see records being broken and new world records being achieved. I think of it as records being made on behalf of all humankind, not just a particular country. Everytime I see something like that happen on the screen, I keep playing Armstrong's words in my head: "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." And the hairs on my arms stand on end. And I get transported to the stadium where the sensational win has just taken place. And I feel like cheering my heart out along with the rest of the crowd.

Isinbayeva from Russia was simply awesome during her pole vault event. If you think Indians are melodramatic, you should watch the Russians. Retreating under her blanket after every attempt, you wonder what the deal really is. But great people are allowed to have eccentricities.

- right before her world record-setting 5.05m jump -

the disorganized church

2008-08-19T02:07:00.003+08:00

During bible study...

Leader: And that is true of the Church - both the organized Church and the..er... disorganized one. Wait. that doesn't sound right.
Me: You mean the independent churches?
Leader: Yes. The organized Church and the independent churches.
Me: Actually, I think you got it right the first time.

Starting churches has become fashionable. Everyone seems to be doing it. Unhappy? Start a church. Poor? Start a church. Bored? Start a church. Disillusioned? Start a church. Redundant? Start a church. Disliked? Start a church. Got caught? Start a church.

I'm glad I'm Methodist. I really am. :)

the broken ones

2008-08-16T06:12:00.005+08:00

I think I like my friends who are broken. The disillusioned ones are the ones who’ve seen life. And that makes them more like me. I’m sick of the naïve ones. The ones who are constantly bothered with the small things – the trivial, the transient. I like people who look at life and laugh. These are the ones who look past life’s many disappointments with the ‘been there done that’ attitude. It shows that they’re experienced. They’re the less emotional. They’re have a strong internal locus of control. They’re more confident. They require hardly any consoling, and if they do, they know exactly where I’m coming from. It saves a lot of effort in convincing and explaining. It’s brilliant. Cos we’re at the same level. They know what they want, they know what they can’t have, and they know why. And when the unexpected happens, they aren’t caught off guard. Even if they don’t see it coming, they can accept that it has happened. They don’t stumble or cave in. They move on.

Don't get me wrong. I still like my other friends. I'd love to help them through what they need help through. We all need that support time and again. But I especially appreciate these rare guys.. Cos life’s too short to bother too much with .

I think I've been seeing too many bulls these days. And I have an inkling that they're here to stay. Haiz.

You find sponsors in the most unexpected of places.

Cough cough.

the night at home

2008-08-15T23:16:00.001+08:00

Friday night. and I'm home. Sort of. For a change. Listening to a nice mash up of 7 songs:

1. Miliyah Kato - Love Is...
2. Los Pop Tops - Oh Lord, Why Lord
3. Coolio - C U When U Get There
4. Vienna Boys Choir - Pachelbel's Canon In D
5. Grover Washington, Jr. - Aubrey
6. Kanye West feat. John Mayer - Bittersweet Poetry
7. Pet Shop Boys - Go West

the 2nd chance

2008-08-14T18:06:00.003+08:00

I like Gotham again for the following reasons:

1. I made friends with the hot brunette dancer I blogged about before. She's even hotter when she's inches away from you.

2. They had one for one all night on a Tuesday night.

3. I still get priority entry.

4. They didn't do the fireman routine again.

the familial poolside party

2008-08-12T00:45:00.002+08:00

National Day was busy busy. Hung out with the extended family the whole day. And it was pretty fun. I thought the day was really well organized. I mean... we had our very own prata man, a one-man band (albeit he sang only oldies), excellent company and poolside location. It would have been an even more spectacular event if only we had some booze to loosen everybody up a little more. I'm hoping for excuses to hold poolside parties now. And I definitely won't forget the booze. And more current music. Cos Elvis does get boring after awhile.

We met the extendended family in the afternoon for a cohesion activity at Sungei Buloh. I'm quite sure I wasn't the only one apprehensive about the whole idea. After all that had happened (and for all I know, is STILL happening)- the slandering, mudslinging, criticizing and gossiping. It was awkward to see them all extra-friendly. I guess they were trying to tell us that they didn't have ill-intentions and would like to move on. Which I totally get. I really do. I definitely value these guys more than some block-headed hypocrites who have an inflated sense of self-worth. But still, it's difficult to let my guard down just like that. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we humans have this inbuilt thing called memory. And it can't be reformatted at the click of a button. I'm mature enough to forgive, but forgetting takes a much longer time. But, hey, nobody's claiming to be perfect here.

Today, cousin's phone got stolen at the poolside. The infuriating thing is that this toot had the audacity to open up my cousin's bag and remove the phone. It wasn't like he saw the phone unattended and swiped it away in one quick motion. And this happened within the condo, where we pay amenities fees for a supposed safer living environment. BASKET. Hope the thief dies of hand cancer, or something.

Nothing makes you feel more intelligent than giving tuition to an MBA student when you're only an undergrad. Swelllll maaannnnnn.

the SPG colony

2008-08-09T06:08:00.004+08:00

At midnight tonight, I had nothing to do and was planning on completing a book, 'The Intelligent Investor', that I had started on more than a month ago. At 1am, I found myself at the doorsteps of Attica.

Attica started out slow but the pace eventually quickened, thankfully. I was underaged, so I found the choice of music a little too ancient for me. The dance floor was ridiculously small, for a nightspot that considers itself to be a full-fledged club. The club was infested with whites. I couldn't help but feel belittled by their furtive glances. Bummer. Nevertheless, I think I enjoyed myself reasonably well, thanks to the plethora of colorful characters that joined us at the club.

There was the guy who started dissing the whites very vocally (and Attica is SPG haven, mind you). I was bold enough to join him in the dissing. Then there was the lady who was 38, but looked like she was 24. She was newly married to some Aussie who's stuck in Melbourne while she's out partying with the white-disser. Hmmm.... Then there was the Aussie who asked me if I was up for a threesome in the car with this hot North Indian SPG chick he had picked up. Being the decent guy that I am, I said no. It didn't help that my friends were right beside me when he asked me.

The 90s had pretty nice songs, I discovered. Check out 'Losing My Religion' playing in the background right now.

Happy National Day or whatever.

the cancelled show

2008-08-08T02:42:00.003+08:00

They say I passed the test. That my Tamil was bearable. But Friday's road show has been canceled due to the poor turnout today. What luck. So I didn't make much money this week afterall. :( They've promised me a slot next week. If that show gets 'canceled' again....

So all I need is patience and prayer. I hope.

The song playing right now is pretty excellent stuff. Listen to the whole thing!

the color dilemma

2008-08-07T15:59:00.005+08:00

I realise that I have a number of silent readers. But I still want to do this poll. Which is nicer? Black or medium silver???

- black -

- medium silver -