shiva

"meeting you after 3 weeks. i realise i'm the happiest when i'm with you. i'm happy you might miss me more than you miss your bf. i'm sad, almost to the point of quivering, that you're excited about getting proposed to. i'm happy for you, but i'm uneasy that you don't realise what i'm feeling for you. i know it must happen. i want it to happen. it must happen for you, i hope it happens for me. but i think you will be the object that i adore the most in my life. i will never forget that. i can't help what i'm feeling. i wish i could tell you. but i don't think i ever will. unless, by some miracle, i get over you. then i'll confess. and hope to get a confession back. i'm obsessed with you. i really am. we're so perfect for each other :)

i guess i have this to look forward to each month. and that will keep me going.

jun 2nd. do i really have to be there? i guess i do. painful as it is. i can just imagine. i stand in the shadows. and yet, i cannot but feel that i'll be losing you. whose side will i be on. what am i feeling. how should i react. how should i mask my emotions.

i miss you already. 3 months in advance."

You messed everything up. unintended or otherwise. doesn't matter. you fucked it up for everyone. but yourself. you don't regret it. you sure as hell don't. does it make u a better person if you did? when will you lift up your head again. when will you feel clean again. when will you stop being the villain. what you are perceived to be, you are.

CHOOSE

not everything is in our locus of control. we learn to accept that. usually, the hard way. we live life to the extent that we CHOOSE to. we CHOOSE to feel a certain way. we CHOOSE to let our circumstances affect us. we CHOOSE to dwell in misery, or we CHOOSE to move on. we CHOOSE to accept that which we cannot change. we CHOOSE to be happy.

it's that simple. and that difficult.

life is grey, black and white.

you wake up. and you realise things are different. you ask yourself if you're a monster. you know you aren't. but at some level, you can't help but feel that you are. but you're pretty happy. no, you aren't a monster. you're a victim of circumstances. we all are. you try to justify your happiness. you try to justify your question marks. but you will never be able to. truth is not entirely objective. truth is what you perceive it to be. like it or not, truth, to some extent, is made up of what others perceive it to be. you did this. no you didn't mean to. but you did this. how do you deal with it? do you revel in the undeserved fruit of your non-labor? do you entertain your conscience? do you fight against yourself? do you walk away? do you run away? do you fix it? or do you accept it? do you EMBRACE it? yes you do. it is only right. it is only fair. to all involved. to all involved who matter. who should matter. you are a demon. a demon with a conscience. you are helpless. you have it all together. at times. you must rise above it. it keeps you together. that smile. that touch. that eternal flame. zap them all into vapor. start afresh. be a hero. be unblemished. be unknown. be loved. love. love like never before. love till it hurts. put yourself out there. jump. no, not jump. jump. you've almost made it. ghandi was a pervert it seems. make a difference. to someone. to yourself. forget the hurt. forget about forgetting. simply let go. move on. move away. you are a good person. shut them out. those voices. you are  blessed. and that is why you are where you are. you wake up, and you smile. because it isn't KL no more.

not worth the extra effort

time makes you realise something. nothing's really changed. you're still the same you. it's what you make of what you are that could change, if anything.

gemini

we live in uncertain times.

but love conquers all, they say.

Man after all

It's turning out to be a rather pleasant year-end after all. Never in my wildest imagination did I think that I would be kind of ok. But I am. I'm two-minded. And I can accept that for now. Twisted. Screwed up. But it feels right and wrong at the same time.

I'm no longer in limbo. What would happen henceforth? Do things stay the same? Or will change inevitably occur. Who dies? Who lives? Who gets to be/remain happy? Surely not me. I will learn to accept that or die trying.

I'm not a bad person. We're not bad people. If we keep telling ourselves that, we might just believe it some day.

A twisted tale.

-

Happy. Confused. Drunk. Alone. Scent of a woman. Scent of a man. Hard. Pleasure. Love. LOVE. Clothes. Breathe. Pant. Sleep. Embrace. Suck. Fuck

three

stop mind-fucking, dude. but i can't help it. but i should. be confident, be clear-headed. don't mess up again and again. love the people who love you. tolerate those who don't really. smile. holler. appreciate. love. pray. give more than you receive. live. sacrifice. stay happy.

we live with our choices, or we don't.

memoirs from the mansion

i want to be on holiday, perpetually.
i would like others to interact with me in isolation. it seems better that way.
i want to turn back time to when i was 13. back to when the biggest obstacles to overcome were in the form of examinations, something I was naturally good at.


i want to have it all, or nothing at all.

in limbo no more

gosh. depression really is a black hole.
you can't pull yourself out. no matter how hard you try.

must..keep..trying..

or maybe i should just hang in limbo. like i've been doing for the past 3 years.

or maybe i should just let myself get sucked in. it's just so much easier.

one jump is all it takes.
take a deep breath.
lurge forward.
embrace your destiny.
EMBRACE it.
cos this is all you'll ever be.
it seems.

hong kong.

that i would lock up while in the middle of an email when i see you leaving so that i can bump into you at the lobby.
that i would suit up just so that i'd look sharp when you see me.
that i would lie that i have a long day out on a Sat just so that it would impress you - only to find out that you like quiet weekends.
that i would suddenly feel a weight lifted off after such a brief conversation.

play it cool. but not too cool.
good luck.