the painfully draining WAIT

i've underestimated the power of greed. it's true. it is utterly INSATIABLE.

when i entered uni, i had never heard of such ridiculous sums of money before. so i said i would be happy landing a job that paid X dollars. then i read some supid survey that claimed that the top 20 percent of graduates earned 2X dollars. so I told myself that I wouldn't be happy unless i earned 2X as well. THEN i hear that IB interns (interns, not full-timers) get 4X. and this is across all IB departments.. Citi (now we know where the money's going to), ML, DB, MS, GS, CS, UBS...

So then i wanted 4X for a short time. although i knew deep down that i wouldn't really enjoy the job. so i told myself that i'd be happy with 2X. and i would never trade all my free time for the additional 2X. then the call comes in. and i realise that i'm THIS CLOSE to landing the job. i get excited. but since i'm so jaded, the excitement feels so weird. so draining. and now i want that job again. even though i feel so drained even thinking about it. and now i wait.. hoping that i don't hope that i get through. but really, i'm in denial. for 3 minutes after the interviews conclude, i found myself pacing about, wondering when they would call me with the good news.

life would have been so much more pleasent and satisfying... if only i were ignorant.

i'm NOT gonna get it. dammit. WAKE UP.

oh, and thank you, dear friends, for shouldering the burden. you have no idea how much you've helped...