just as quickly as i was plunged into the deep shit that i was in, i find myself yanked out. i've still got game. maybe not as i had imagined it to be, but i've still got it. in the words of at least 4 people in the past 2 weeks, i just gotta try harder. now i realise that i haven't really changed. i'm still the finicky, fickle, undecided asshole of a guy that i was 3 years ago. then, i hurt people who actually cared for me - innocent, unassuming people who thought me to be the angel that i really was not. hurt, possibly so much, that they changed for the worse. they grew up. one, a stoic, the other, a slut. it was a bad choice. and choices have consequences. bad choices are supposed to make you wiser, aren't they? but i have not learnt. pray, dammit. pray. don't follow your heart or mind. follow the signs. ask for the signs. make them obvious.
2013 has by far been the worst period of my life. but unsurprisingly, i have survived it. i always do. it scares me to think of the things i am capable of when pushed to the limit. windows, buildings, knives. but i've survived 5 months. this is what i have taken away from the harrowing experience, although I'm sure it hasn't ended:
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
Yes, I am complicated. Deal with it or leave. I'll survive, even if it means I have to escape it all. But experiencing this just means I am a thinker - with a real sense of morals. I'm proud of myself in this regard. I know what is right. I know what I want. I know what is best. They may not always lead to the same conclusion. That's just the torturous way of life. My seemingly inconsistent behaviour is really just me struggling to do the right thing. I have struggled with this - more than anyone will ever know - and I think I've done ok. No, I don't feel great about it. It doesn't always feel gratifying. It only makes you feel lousy. It makes you hate yourself. The person you have become, and that part of you that always has been. So I tell myself that I've done the right thing, and I move on/(away?)
FRIENDSHIPS
I always thought I was strong. Now I realise that everyone has a tipping point. I value my closest friends now, few as they may be. They have seen the worst of me (that I have chosen to reveal). And still remain my friends. I can only imagine how I've confused, complicated, abused my relationships. Of course, it isn't always my fault. I think. I overthink. What moves me is how my friends try their best, in their capacity, to understand me. I know it's not easy. And they rarely get the full extent of it. But they react as best as they can. I guess I can be thankful for that. Is it enough? Probably not. But we are just individualistic beings, being who we are, interacting only in ways we know how. I have been blessed and cursed with my intellect. I know I need to dumb it down a little. I must try. If I am to keep these friends that I love so much.
EQUITY
In different aspects of life. It balances out somehow. It always has. To say that work is good is an understatement. I'm WALKING ON WATER. With the perfect ratings since employment, two very influential sponsors, the opportunity that was confirmed today, the fact that all the seniors that matter know who I am and what I've been doing, the expat pay and benefits. it's working for me and I can't complain. The bank has treated me well. Come to think of it, I've always gotten what I wanted. I hope it continues. I wonder when the scales will rebalance.
LOVE
Overrated. I wonder if a soul-mate means a perfect mate. Probably not. What defines a successful relationship, I was asked today (by HR, of all folks). I guess you know you've perfected it when you're truly yourself with someone else. And you know in all certainty that your other half has accepted you, and will continue to love you, imperfect, fucked up as you are. I know I will never get that. Maybe I could settle. I always have.
ULTIMATUMS
Don't work. Limits the room you have to work with.
Today has been a better day than most. At least I can rest for a night without asking myself the question "why (not) me?"
I'm a good guy. I'm trying. Love me for that. Or ask me to leave.
2013 has by far been the worst period of my life. but unsurprisingly, i have survived it. i always do. it scares me to think of the things i am capable of when pushed to the limit. windows, buildings, knives. but i've survived 5 months. this is what i have taken away from the harrowing experience, although I'm sure it hasn't ended:
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
Yes, I am complicated. Deal with it or leave. I'll survive, even if it means I have to escape it all. But experiencing this just means I am a thinker - with a real sense of morals. I'm proud of myself in this regard. I know what is right. I know what I want. I know what is best. They may not always lead to the same conclusion. That's just the torturous way of life. My seemingly inconsistent behaviour is really just me struggling to do the right thing. I have struggled with this - more than anyone will ever know - and I think I've done ok. No, I don't feel great about it. It doesn't always feel gratifying. It only makes you feel lousy. It makes you hate yourself. The person you have become, and that part of you that always has been. So I tell myself that I've done the right thing, and I move on/(away?)
FRIENDSHIPS
I always thought I was strong. Now I realise that everyone has a tipping point. I value my closest friends now, few as they may be. They have seen the worst of me (that I have chosen to reveal). And still remain my friends. I can only imagine how I've confused, complicated, abused my relationships. Of course, it isn't always my fault. I think. I overthink. What moves me is how my friends try their best, in their capacity, to understand me. I know it's not easy. And they rarely get the full extent of it. But they react as best as they can. I guess I can be thankful for that. Is it enough? Probably not. But we are just individualistic beings, being who we are, interacting only in ways we know how. I have been blessed and cursed with my intellect. I know I need to dumb it down a little. I must try. If I am to keep these friends that I love so much.
EQUITY
In different aspects of life. It balances out somehow. It always has. To say that work is good is an understatement. I'm WALKING ON WATER. With the perfect ratings since employment, two very influential sponsors, the opportunity that was confirmed today, the fact that all the seniors that matter know who I am and what I've been doing, the expat pay and benefits. it's working for me and I can't complain. The bank has treated me well. Come to think of it, I've always gotten what I wanted. I hope it continues. I wonder when the scales will rebalance.
LOVE
Overrated. I wonder if a soul-mate means a perfect mate. Probably not. What defines a successful relationship, I was asked today (by HR, of all folks). I guess you know you've perfected it when you're truly yourself with someone else. And you know in all certainty that your other half has accepted you, and will continue to love you, imperfect, fucked up as you are. I know I will never get that. Maybe I could settle. I always have.
ULTIMATUMS
Don't work. Limits the room you have to work with.
Today has been a better day than most. At least I can rest for a night without asking myself the question "why (not) me?"
I'm a good guy. I'm trying. Love me for that. Or ask me to leave.
