wallflower

as the wound continues to fester

back to the hell hole after a month. i abhor going back there. i really do. a stark reminder of the failure that i am is what it is. i sit there chained to my seat. i don't really like what i see. what i hear. i feel smaller and smaller with each passing minute. i feel helpless. i feel... awkward. stop looking at me. stop judging. stop praising me. stop ridiculing me. stop trying to slave-drive me. stop talking. just stop talking.

i wish it were like it was 5 years ago. when i was unknown. and hadn't burnt the bridges that i burnt. i wonder how life would have turned out if i had gone someplace else instead. maybe i wouldn't have had the chance to make the good friend that i have. but i might have gained a few more, i'm guessing. the 'what ifs'. makes you consider your next decision carefully. every decision i make echos in eternity. every move i make is important. it makes me who i am. it defines me. so i must consider my next decision carefully. i won't rush into it. i never do.

"it's not going to get easier". fuck. i'm not stupid. i know.

by this time next year the decision would have been made. 12 months is all i'm giving myself. get your shit together, mel. or get out.

i shall treasure this xmas.

so when the going just keeps getting tougher

ending real soon. either way.
should start getting my affairs in order.

because life will/has to go on.

--

i seem to like unusual unique people. the aloof. the proud. normal people make me nervous. but unique people make me wonder. wonder how it is she became so smart and beautiful while she's at it. how she doesn't crack jokes/laugh, but  still comes across as nice. her oddly pale glow. cute eyebags. messy handwriting

or maybe just another one...

--

ending real soon. either way.
life will go on.

even as it leaves me behind

--

four years ago, i didn't feel a thing. four years on, i don't want to feel a thing. the simple pleasures. pleasures that wasted my time. so i should get out more.

--

an overdose would be the coolest way to leave. an overdose while on holiday. what a pity, it was an accident.

--

sleep.

some people are luckier than the rest. they just don't realise it.
some people have run out of it. but who gives a fuck whether anyone realises it.
and no one does.

everytime i fall, i pick myself up. one fine day, i just won't. i hope i have the courage to do exactly that.