back to the hell hole after a month. i abhor going back there. i really do. a stark reminder of the failure that i am is what it is. i sit there chained to my seat. i don't really like what i see. what i hear. i feel smaller and smaller with each passing minute. i feel helpless. i feel... awkward. stop looking at me. stop judging. stop praising me. stop ridiculing me. stop trying to slave-drive me. stop talking. just stop talking.
i wish it were like it was 5 years ago. when i was unknown. and hadn't burnt the bridges that i burnt. i wonder how life would have turned out if i had gone someplace else instead. maybe i wouldn't have had the chance to make the good friend that i have. but i might have gained a few more, i'm guessing. the 'what ifs'. makes you consider your next decision carefully. every decision i make echos in eternity. every move i make is important. it makes me who i am. it defines me. so i must consider my next decision carefully. i won't rush into it. i never do.
"it's not going to get easier". fuck. i'm not stupid. i know.
by this time next year the decision would have been made. 12 months is all i'm giving myself. get your shit together, mel. or get out.
i shall treasure this xmas.
i wish it were like it was 5 years ago. when i was unknown. and hadn't burnt the bridges that i burnt. i wonder how life would have turned out if i had gone someplace else instead. maybe i wouldn't have had the chance to make the good friend that i have. but i might have gained a few more, i'm guessing. the 'what ifs'. makes you consider your next decision carefully. every decision i make echos in eternity. every move i make is important. it makes me who i am. it defines me. so i must consider my next decision carefully. i won't rush into it. i never do.
"it's not going to get easier". fuck. i'm not stupid. i know.
by this time next year the decision would have been made. 12 months is all i'm giving myself. get your shit together, mel. or get out.
i shall treasure this xmas.
