i think i should restart this. seeing how some people have been faithfully at it long past it stopped becoming a fad. it's therapeutic. i wonder why i stopped.

i guess my readership has dwindled to zero and i hope it stays that way. you see, i like very much to be the cryptic shadow lurking about in the dark - one that nobody sees, hears, or understands. besides, nothing good can come from the erosion of privacy.

at the beginning of the year, i set out to conquer 2011 with a care-free attitude. how i've failed miserably. life is nothing but care-free, and the ones who tell you to slow down have nothing going for them. harsh but true. i'd like to slowdown though. 15hr sleep weeks can be sustained for only so long. the dissonance is remarkable. i long for shorter hours, but staying at work makes me quite happy. i can't seem to figure out why. i'm not an workaholic, i'm not really an escapist. i think it's the hope of a raise, a bonus, respect, expertise, marketability, progress, freedom from the heart. if only i could convince myself of what i already know. that all this doesn't matter.

i wonder why people are atheists. how can they live without hope? how can they not go mad if they've convinced themselves that there is no real purpose in the cycle of life?

i've been hearing this prompting for the past few weeks. in fact if i'm honest enough to myself, i will realise that this has been happening for 2 years now. but i'm still unsure of what i'm supposed to do. and i can't bring myself to actually take it seriously as i'm afraid of what i might discover.

i wonder if this Christmas will be meaningful. probably not. if only we treasured what we have. if only i would get my act together. something is amiss. i wish i could put my finger on it. i wish i could get out of this rut that i've become so comfortable in.

can't wait to... nothing.