christmas rantings

we were having a conversation a few days ago about how there are some people amongst us who seem to have it all, but probably have a balancing defect to bring them back to earth. few and far inbetween, but they exist. it got me thinking, AGAIN, of why i've been created less equal then the rest. why do i have to work extra hard to do what i do. why do i have a higher standard for myself. why are there higher standards set for me. why are they harder to attain. owells. that's just the way it has become.

why can't i think less. why can't i not think. why do i smile when i wanna frown, lift my head up when i wish i didn't have one. i realise that there is this natural leaning to fix what's broken. but what if it's too complicated to fix. what if you don't know it's broken. what if no one realises what's broken. what if no one cares. and that's probably the case.

i wanna leave. i want that new experience all over again. new people. new lifestyle. new everything. i want out. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm doin ok. i just a break out of routine. i want a chance to be who i think i might want to be.

6 days to xmas. why am i not feeling it...anymore.

merry xmas.