it will pass. i know it will. it must.

not so different afterall

3 years on. where the road diverges once again, where i'm faced with choices, i realize i haven't really changed. i've got a list. it doesn't seem to add up. so what do i do? i feel happy with one, i feel right with the other. but right is not always right. and when it ceases to be right, you realize that it never was after all. happy, on the other hand, is real. you can cease to be happy, but it doesn't put the happiness you felt before in question. it is what it is. you cannot fake happiness.

i may not be good enough. for anyone - only in that sense. but it is what i must do. i cannot imagine it any other way. sure. i would be happier. or would i? so i flirt with the boundaries. i toy with the idea rather riskily; conspicuously. but i will not dive into it. i dare not. i must not.

weird. i felt it today. i still got it. barely, but it's there. and if i fan that flame, i'll be alright.

it seems wrong. but i think it's right. for now.

the happy post

i am happier than i usually am. more accurately, i am less unhappy than i usually am.

i guess life is what we make out of it. there are risks we take. there are paths we wander onto, not really knowing where they lead to. but we take them anyway. at least, i think we ought to.

hope. :)

the culmination

job.
love.
friends.
life.
money.
ego.

F.

2 years on, and we haven't moved.

for the longest time, i didn't want to take the hint. i still dare not. because then there's nothing left. just a confused me. why not me.

maybe a year away will do me good. maybe more. maybe forever.


you give and take away. except. u haven't given.

christmas rantings

we were having a conversation a few days ago about how there are some people amongst us who seem to have it all, but probably have a balancing defect to bring them back to earth. few and far inbetween, but they exist. it got me thinking, AGAIN, of why i've been created less equal then the rest. why do i have to work extra hard to do what i do. why do i have a higher standard for myself. why are there higher standards set for me. why are they harder to attain. owells. that's just the way it has become.

why can't i think less. why can't i not think. why do i smile when i wanna frown, lift my head up when i wish i didn't have one. i realise that there is this natural leaning to fix what's broken. but what if it's too complicated to fix. what if you don't know it's broken. what if no one realises what's broken. what if no one cares. and that's probably the case.

i wanna leave. i want that new experience all over again. new people. new lifestyle. new everything. i want out. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm doin ok. i just a break out of routine. i want a chance to be who i think i might want to be.

6 days to xmas. why am i not feeling it...anymore.

merry xmas.

i think i should restart this. seeing how some people have been faithfully at it long past it stopped becoming a fad. it's therapeutic. i wonder why i stopped.

i guess my readership has dwindled to zero and i hope it stays that way. you see, i like very much to be the cryptic shadow lurking about in the dark - one that nobody sees, hears, or understands. besides, nothing good can come from the erosion of privacy.

at the beginning of the year, i set out to conquer 2011 with a care-free attitude. how i've failed miserably. life is nothing but care-free, and the ones who tell you to slow down have nothing going for them. harsh but true. i'd like to slowdown though. 15hr sleep weeks can be sustained for only so long. the dissonance is remarkable. i long for shorter hours, but staying at work makes me quite happy. i can't seem to figure out why. i'm not an workaholic, i'm not really an escapist. i think it's the hope of a raise, a bonus, respect, expertise, marketability, progress, freedom from the heart. if only i could convince myself of what i already know. that all this doesn't matter.

i wonder why people are atheists. how can they live without hope? how can they not go mad if they've convinced themselves that there is no real purpose in the cycle of life?

i've been hearing this prompting for the past few weeks. in fact if i'm honest enough to myself, i will realise that this has been happening for 2 years now. but i'm still unsure of what i'm supposed to do. and i can't bring myself to actually take it seriously as i'm afraid of what i might discover.

i wonder if this Christmas will be meaningful. probably not. if only we treasured what we have. if only i would get my act together. something is amiss. i wish i could put my finger on it. i wish i could get out of this rut that i've become so comfortable in.

can't wait to... nothing.

over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

we're ALL like that. gosh. God save us.

maybe it's the easier way out. but where's the joy in that. there's no depth. no feel-good moment. fleeting as it is. i guess i need to make up my mind before it happens and i screw it up. what's the rush? there's no rush. there's just this plan. there's a sense of unwanted differentiation. sometimes i feel helpless. worse than i know i am. because there's this checklist. maybe a reverse checklist. longer than i'd like it to be. but there shouldn't be a checklist. it should just.. BE.

so many plans. hopes. dreams. just waiting to happen....

i should stop planning. i should just be.

let's see what unfolds for me in 2011. i hope it's something truly special. i'm not going to plan. i'll just let it happen.

so there.

:)

perfect love, all loves excelling.

more than enough for me.

:)

the magical land of...

Sometimes, when I'm in the mood to escape, I let my mind drift off with the sound of the pipe organ accompanying the voices of St. Paul's Cathedral Choir to a place I had almost instantaneously fallen in love with less than a year ago. Where I was happiest. Where I had learnt what it meant to truly live, and not merely exist. It was a time when every day was an adventure. It was a time when schedules, datelines and expectations didn't matter as much. It was a time when a 10 degree afternoon was referred to as cool weather. It was a time of thick coats, scarves, mulled wines, cheap beer, and late-night kebab dinners.

I wish those days back. I really do.

Until then, I'll let my memory recreate the magic.

the image forever etched in my mind

so what am i waiting for?

you.

come along now.

i don't bite

unless you want me to.

the dark sacred night

i see/hear
beauty in imperfection,
fear in opportunities,
love in the guise of hate,
care amidst ignorance,
humor in unhappiness,
company in solitude,
an insurmountable obstacle,
against the backdrop of the Omnipotent Almighty.
satisfaction from a distance,
a plea,
unintended intimidation,
faded passion,
a broken smile,
an empty seat.
oh, what a wonderful world.

the miss

i got so nervous, i was almost glad i had to rush off.

:S

the failed campaign

Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
...for what seems like eternity.

I suspect that the year-end would look pretty different from how it began. In a good way, I hope. Comparing myself with me 12 months ago, I can't help but be amazed at how much better and simpler life is right now. I hope that this sets the trend. That it can only go uphill. Afterall, it's not so much the external circumstances that determine how good life is as it is the internal state of mind. (Ok, I watched ONE episode of Oprah). But seriously, I think I've discovered the art of being content with what I have. If traveling has taught me anything, it's that we need to take life a lot less seriously. We need to slow down. We need to realize that what matter the most are relationships - with God, family, and friends.

The first thing that struck me when I touched down in Singapore was how impolite we are. No smiles, no greetings. Just a huge, state-of-the-art airport and people wearing their solemn faces. 10 days in and I've already seen how ugly some of us are - the way we speak, how we respond to each other, our pathetic brand of humour, our excessive use of sarcasm, our lack of tact. We aren't as nice as we ought to be.

Unfortunately for us, a fine can't fix this.

the new experience

it's amazing how much there is to learn in life. especially when you think you've figured it all out. it's a never-ending journey of changing perspectives, priorities and mentalities. and as we change, we begin to make more sense of it all. we begin to understand how foolish we were before. we progress. or in some cases, regress. that's what wisdom must be - the sum of all our experiences and memories that culminates in our unique perspective on life and its many issues.

i'm not exactly happy. but i'm glad for the new experiences. the new feelings. i'm thankful, in all seasons, for a God who is in control.... if I let Him be.

the barcap interview

so after behaving like a proper nerd, borrowing 2 fixed income textbooks from the library although school's out, i've come to realise that the interview with barcap that i believe i flunked last week wouldn't have been all that bad if i had actually studied the right stuff. the consolation is that everyone feels that way after a major exam. so i'm hoping that the other candidates screwed up as badly as i did. whatever the case, my interviewer seemed to think (or at least, claimed) that i had done well. he said that he hoped i would do just as well in the next interview round as i had done with him. my response was a chuckle. he reciprocated. i sure hope he wasn't just paying lip service.

i found it rather amusing that my interviewer was calling in from LA, when I was in London, regarding a job in Singapore.

moving on to the next round, my interview's going to be with another American. i quite dislike the incomprehensible accent. i'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope that i ace this one and move on to the next round.

meanwhile, i'll just be thankful that i have choices, diverse as they may be.

oh, merry xmas & a happy new year. (",)

the sights and sounds on a snowy night

I took a nice long walk from Waterloo to Marble Arch one winter evening. In the freezing cold. Armed with my trusty Primark scarf and Ralph Lauren snow hat. Oh, and my 'Made in China' leather gloves - the nicest-looking things gifted by the nicest person I know. I've never really done a solo walk like this before, not in London at least. Cos it seems pretty sad, and lonely, roaming about aimlessly on your own. But a friend recently did it, twice actually, and told me that it felt really good. So I decided to give it a go. What's the fun in binging night after night anyway? Also, I had been cooped up in the halls for more than 24hours, down with fever, flu, sore throat - the usual shit. I needed to get out. Even if that meant that I would die of hypothermia on the streets like some hobo.

I pick up the Evening Standard. First 5 pages are all about the unexpected snowfall and how it has disrupted the lives of many Londoners. Closed schools. Delayed trains. Trapped commuters. One would think that last February's events would have prepared the city for the worst. Apparently not. Well, good for the school kids then. I look up from the paper, distracted by a stumpy-looking punk trying to hit on a decent looking lady. Nothing really wrong with that. But the conversation is pretty sad, albeit slightly entertaining for me. It goes roughly like this:

Stumpy: Hey there, would you know if this train heads to London Bridge?
Lady: Hmm.. I don't really know. Sorry.
Stumpy: Are you sure? Does it really not go? I need to get to London Bridge.
Lady: There's a rail map right there. It'll tell you. (looks at the map). Oh yes, it does.
Stumpy: And how do I get back to this station from there?
Lady: (blank look)
(Tube arrives and saves the lady.)

Failed attempt at conversation. But hey, at least he tried.

Tube reaches my destination. I start walking. I realise that I've never actually seen the Westminster area after dusk before. If I do go out in the night, it's usually to the binge spots. Or to some performing arts venue at the West End. Or to Zones 5 or 6. Or to the kebab stands. Or to St Paul's - my favorite building in the whole of London. I stop to admire the Big Ben. It's gorgeous how the clock face seems to magically illuminate the whole tower to paint a picture of artistic serenity in a borough known mainly for politics. A couple of Asian tourists (Yeah, I'm SO not one of 'em) start taking pictures. I follow suit. But my attempts fail miserably. I don't own a friggin DSLR, you see.

I continue walking. Then it suddenly occurs to me that I'm still sick. And that my fever's coming back. Not a good thing at all, considering that the temperature's in the vicinity of ZERO. I feel my heart palpitating. It seems to be slowing down actually. I comically think that I'm going to die - The Straits Times headline: "SMU exchange student dies in freak weather at Westminster" flashes across my mind. Ok maybe not.

I spot Macs and head in for hot chocolate. There's a dude there, standing around suspiciously. The moment I get my drink, he approaches me and asks for the stamp on my cup. You get a free drink when you collect 6. I'm tempted to say that I'm collecting too. Then for some reason, I think of 'The Pursuit of Happyness'. He kinda looks like Will Smith (alright, he was black). He probably needs the free drink more than me. Might even have a hungry son waiting outside. So I give it to him. He seems grateful, and he goes off.

Trafalgar Square. Lots seem to be happening here. Some carolers in front of the huge Norwegian Christmas tree catch my attention. Quite a bit of snickering going on in the audience. The lead female voice is out of tune. But that's not it. The lead is actually a male in his 30s. I stay for awhile. I've never heard a castrato before. As I take my leave, an Indian girl approaches me. She's from the WWF and goes on and on about wild life conservation, how the polar caps are melting and how I should commit my support in the form of an email address. An overgrown Husky comes by. I exclaim at the size of the dog. She corrects me and says that it's a wolf. She goes on about how different dogs and wolves are for about 30 seconds. Then she asks the owner. It's a dog.

I see a protest going on with a number of banners with headings like "Copenhagen", and "Give Us Our Future". How cool is that. I've never seen a protest of any sort before so I go nearer and take some shots inconspicuously. I want to join them for the fun of it, but it's too cold. And also cos I'm wearing leather gloves.

Oxford Street. It truly feels like Christmas. Everyone's doing last minute shopping. The lights and deco glimmer in the icy night. A little snow on the ground. Lots of snow on the passing cars. Brass band playing outside Mark & Spenser's. Poor old ladies siting outside large department stores trying their luck at emotional blackmail. But, alas, the spirit of giving is not as compelling as the spirit of buying. Me? I have my hands full of winter clothing I have just bought for my family so I can't reach in for spare change. -_-

Marble Arch. I spot a drug store. I need to get medication for my wretched flu and fever anyway so I head in. I see a dude about my age trying to look invisible as he picks up his purchases. He seems to be getting condoms. Big deal. But no. Being the busybody that I am, I look closer. I think I see the word 'VIAGRA'. Sucks to be you, buddy.

I head home. People-watching isn't all that boring once in while, I guess. And I am not dead of hypothermia yet.

Cheers to that.

:)

the northern star

What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain

Jesus, all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still my faith
Rests in You

As the heavens hold the skies
It's Your hand that holds my life
And Your love will lead me on
When all else is gone

i see you.