If You Love Somebody Set Them Free

'If You Love Somebody Set Them Free.'

Not just a cheesy or idealistic quote. It's your second way out. It's your attempt at closure.

travel plans for 2013

I wish I could travel for weeks on end. if only I didn't have a job but still earned what I do. if only flight tickets were cheaper. MAS gives their staff a 90% discount all year dammit. Only catch is the wait list. Still.

I travelled quite abit last year. I should list them down before I forget.
Jaffna, Sri Lanka
Malacca, Malaysia (just so my list is a lil longer)
Phuket, Thailand
Shanghai, China
Beijing, China
Tokyo, Japan
Manila, Philippines

Oh, the price I had to pay to get to Tokyo. Scrambling across Shanghai in under 60mins only to miss my flight. But it was well worth the money and effort. All my trips were memorable, to say the least - teaching English using Tamil in Jaffna, the Big Fight in Malacca, befriending a prostitute in Phuket, random fine dining in Shanghai, experiencing Beijing's worst snowfall since 1960, friggin Disneyland Tokyo with the people i love, and alcoholic Manila. I wonder what 2013 has in store for me...

So this is the list for this year. We'll see how much I manage to cover:
Hong Kong
Siem Reap, Cambodia
Pangkor Island, Malaysia
Sabah, Malaysia
Sibu, Malaysia
and the annual pricey holiday to....Rome et al, Italy!

Can't wait =)

i like living in my own apartment. i could get very used to this.

=D

-_-

it will pass. i know it will. it must.

not so different afterall

3 years on. where the road diverges once again, where i'm faced with choices, i realize i haven't really changed. i've got a list. it doesn't seem to add up. so what do i do? i feel happy with one, i feel right with the other. but right is not always right. and when it ceases to be right, you realize that it never was after all. happy, on the other hand, is real. you can cease to be happy, but it doesn't put the happiness you felt before in question. it is what it is. you cannot fake happiness.

i may not be good enough. for anyone - only in that sense. but it is what i must do. i cannot imagine it any other way. sure. i would be happier. or would i? so i flirt with the boundaries. i toy with the idea rather riskily; conspicuously. but i will not dive into it. i dare not. i must not.

weird. i felt it today. i still got it. barely, but it's there. and if i fan that flame, i'll be alright.

it seems wrong. but i think it's right. for now.

the happy post

i am happier than i usually am. more accurately, i am less unhappy than i usually am.

i guess life is what we make out of it. there are risks we take. there are paths we wander onto, not really knowing where they lead to. but we take them anyway. at least, i think we ought to.

hope. :)

the culmination

job.
love.
friends.
life.
money.
ego.

F.

2 years on, and we haven't moved.

for the longest time, i didn't want to take the hint. i still dare not. because then there's nothing left. just a confused me. why not me.

maybe a year away will do me good. maybe more. maybe forever.


you give and take away. except. u haven't given.

christmas rantings

we were having a conversation a few days ago about how there are some people amongst us who seem to have it all, but probably have a balancing defect to bring them back to earth. few and far inbetween, but they exist. it got me thinking, AGAIN, of why i've been created less equal then the rest. why do i have to work extra hard to do what i do. why do i have a higher standard for myself. why are there higher standards set for me. why are they harder to attain. owells. that's just the way it has become.

why can't i think less. why can't i not think. why do i smile when i wanna frown, lift my head up when i wish i didn't have one. i realise that there is this natural leaning to fix what's broken. but what if it's too complicated to fix. what if you don't know it's broken. what if no one realises what's broken. what if no one cares. and that's probably the case.

i wanna leave. i want that new experience all over again. new people. new lifestyle. new everything. i want out. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm doin ok. i just a break out of routine. i want a chance to be who i think i might want to be.

6 days to xmas. why am i not feeling it...anymore.

merry xmas.

i think i should restart this. seeing how some people have been faithfully at it long past it stopped becoming a fad. it's therapeutic. i wonder why i stopped.

i guess my readership has dwindled to zero and i hope it stays that way. you see, i like very much to be the cryptic shadow lurking about in the dark - one that nobody sees, hears, or understands. besides, nothing good can come from the erosion of privacy.

at the beginning of the year, i set out to conquer 2011 with a care-free attitude. how i've failed miserably. life is nothing but care-free, and the ones who tell you to slow down have nothing going for them. harsh but true. i'd like to slowdown though. 15hr sleep weeks can be sustained for only so long. the dissonance is remarkable. i long for shorter hours, but staying at work makes me quite happy. i can't seem to figure out why. i'm not an workaholic, i'm not really an escapist. i think it's the hope of a raise, a bonus, respect, expertise, marketability, progress, freedom from the heart. if only i could convince myself of what i already know. that all this doesn't matter.

i wonder why people are atheists. how can they live without hope? how can they not go mad if they've convinced themselves that there is no real purpose in the cycle of life?

i've been hearing this prompting for the past few weeks. in fact if i'm honest enough to myself, i will realise that this has been happening for 2 years now. but i'm still unsure of what i'm supposed to do. and i can't bring myself to actually take it seriously as i'm afraid of what i might discover.

i wonder if this Christmas will be meaningful. probably not. if only we treasured what we have. if only i would get my act together. something is amiss. i wish i could put my finger on it. i wish i could get out of this rut that i've become so comfortable in.

can't wait to... nothing.

over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

we're ALL like that. gosh. God save us.

maybe it's the easier way out. but where's the joy in that. there's no depth. no feel-good moment. fleeting as it is. i guess i need to make up my mind before it happens and i screw it up. what's the rush? there's no rush. there's just this plan. there's a sense of unwanted differentiation. sometimes i feel helpless. worse than i know i am. because there's this checklist. maybe a reverse checklist. longer than i'd like it to be. but there shouldn't be a checklist. it should just.. BE.

so many plans. hopes. dreams. just waiting to happen....

i should stop planning. i should just be.

let's see what unfolds for me in 2011. i hope it's something truly special. i'm not going to plan. i'll just let it happen.

so there.

:)

perfect love, all loves excelling.

more than enough for me.

:)

the magical land of...

Sometimes, when I'm in the mood to escape, I let my mind drift off with the sound of the pipe organ accompanying the voices of St. Paul's Cathedral Choir to a place I had almost instantaneously fallen in love with less than a year ago. Where I was happiest. Where I had learnt what it meant to truly live, and not merely exist. It was a time when every day was an adventure. It was a time when schedules, datelines and expectations didn't matter as much. It was a time when a 10 degree afternoon was referred to as cool weather. It was a time of thick coats, scarves, mulled wines, cheap beer, and late-night kebab dinners.

I wish those days back. I really do.

Until then, I'll let my memory recreate the magic.

the image forever etched in my mind

so what am i waiting for?

you.

come along now.

i don't bite

unless you want me to.

the dark sacred night

i see/hear
beauty in imperfection,
fear in opportunities,
love in the guise of hate,
care amidst ignorance,
humor in unhappiness,
company in solitude,
an insurmountable obstacle,
against the backdrop of the Omnipotent Almighty.
satisfaction from a distance,
a plea,
unintended intimidation,
faded passion,
a broken smile,
an empty seat.
oh, what a wonderful world.

the miss

i got so nervous, i was almost glad i had to rush off.

:S

the failed campaign

Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
...for what seems like eternity.

I suspect that the year-end would look pretty different from how it began. In a good way, I hope. Comparing myself with me 12 months ago, I can't help but be amazed at how much better and simpler life is right now. I hope that this sets the trend. That it can only go uphill. Afterall, it's not so much the external circumstances that determine how good life is as it is the internal state of mind. (Ok, I watched ONE episode of Oprah). But seriously, I think I've discovered the art of being content with what I have. If traveling has taught me anything, it's that we need to take life a lot less seriously. We need to slow down. We need to realize that what matter the most are relationships - with God, family, and friends.

The first thing that struck me when I touched down in Singapore was how impolite we are. No smiles, no greetings. Just a huge, state-of-the-art airport and people wearing their solemn faces. 10 days in and I've already seen how ugly some of us are - the way we speak, how we respond to each other, our pathetic brand of humour, our excessive use of sarcasm, our lack of tact. We aren't as nice as we ought to be.

Unfortunately for us, a fine can't fix this.

the new experience

it's amazing how much there is to learn in life. especially when you think you've figured it all out. it's a never-ending journey of changing perspectives, priorities and mentalities. and as we change, we begin to make more sense of it all. we begin to understand how foolish we were before. we progress. or in some cases, regress. that's what wisdom must be - the sum of all our experiences and memories that culminates in our unique perspective on life and its many issues.

i'm not exactly happy. but i'm glad for the new experiences. the new feelings. i'm thankful, in all seasons, for a God who is in control.... if I let Him be.

the barcap interview

so after behaving like a proper nerd, borrowing 2 fixed income textbooks from the library although school's out, i've come to realise that the interview with barcap that i believe i flunked last week wouldn't have been all that bad if i had actually studied the right stuff. the consolation is that everyone feels that way after a major exam. so i'm hoping that the other candidates screwed up as badly as i did. whatever the case, my interviewer seemed to think (or at least, claimed) that i had done well. he said that he hoped i would do just as well in the next interview round as i had done with him. my response was a chuckle. he reciprocated. i sure hope he wasn't just paying lip service.

i found it rather amusing that my interviewer was calling in from LA, when I was in London, regarding a job in Singapore.

moving on to the next round, my interview's going to be with another American. i quite dislike the incomprehensible accent. i'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope that i ace this one and move on to the next round.

meanwhile, i'll just be thankful that i have choices, diverse as they may be.

oh, merry xmas & a happy new year. (",)