"do you love me?" "no, but i like you alot. isn't that enough?"

i like how u make me feel man enough for you.
i like your touch. heck, i also like to touch. very much.
i like the smell of your hair. and more.
i like how u're secretly this caring person. i get that; totally.
i like how u're as practical as me. it's gonna bite us in the back though.
i like how u tease. no, not the scratching and biting.
i like how u like me, and don't try too hard. it keeps me where i want to be.
i like how i forget that i'm this depressed person. it happens only when i'm with you.
i like your independence, not so much your obstinance.
i like how you listen only to my voice when you're smashed.
i like the way you wiped away my tears, as i did yours.
i like your childlike disposition. i feel like i'm in charge.
i like your taste in music.
i like your taste.
i like how you fit quite perfectly in my arms.
i like the way you rest your head on my lap.
i like your sashay.
i like you.

but i don't think it'll work. so i'll just live in the moment, make the best of what i have, like i always have.

just another blow

i will break soon.
how did i become this pathetic.
i'm left behind.

at the end of the day, it's about me, me, me.

to each his own.
every man for himself.

i should (have) listen(ed) to my dad more.

angels

He sends you help in ways unexpected.
It doesn't make everything perfect.
You may remain broken.
But enough help to keep you afloat.
To tell your story.

Life remains interesting.

beneath anger is hurt.
beneath hurt is love.


i must have faith. i will change. i will make sure of it.

out of the rut

just as quickly as i was plunged into the deep shit that i was in, i find myself yanked out. i've still got game. maybe not as i had imagined it to be, but i've still got it. in the words of at least 4 people in the past 2 weeks, i just gotta try harder. now i realise that i haven't really changed. i'm still the finicky, fickle, undecided asshole of a guy that i was 3 years ago. then, i hurt people who actually cared for me - innocent, unassuming people who thought me to be the angel that i really was not. hurt, possibly so much, that they changed for the worse. they grew up. one, a stoic, the other, a slut. it was a bad choice. and choices have consequences. bad choices are supposed to make you wiser, aren't they? but i have not learnt. pray, dammit. pray. don't follow your heart or mind. follow the signs. ask for the signs. make them obvious.

2013 has by far been the worst period of my life. but unsurprisingly, i have survived it. i always do.  it scares me to think of the things i am capable of when pushed to the limit. windows, buildings, knives. but i've survived 5 months. this is what i have taken away from the harrowing experience, although I'm sure it hasn't ended:

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
Yes, I am complicated. Deal with it or leave. I'll survive, even if it means I have to escape it all. But experiencing this just means I am a thinker - with a real sense of morals. I'm proud of myself in this regard. I know what is right. I know what I want. I know what is best. They may not always lead to the same conclusion. That's just the torturous way of life. My seemingly inconsistent behaviour is really just me struggling to do the right thing. I have struggled with this - more than anyone will ever know - and I think I've done ok. No, I don't feel great about it. It doesn't always feel gratifying. It only makes you feel lousy. It makes you hate yourself. The person you have become, and that part of you that always has been. So I tell myself that I've done the right thing, and I move on/(away?)

FRIENDSHIPS
I always thought I was strong. Now I realise that everyone has a tipping point. I value my closest friends now, few as they may be. They have seen the worst of me (that I have chosen to reveal). And still remain my friends. I can only imagine how I've confused, complicated, abused my relationships. Of course, it isn't always my fault. I think. I overthink. What moves me is how my friends try their best, in their capacity, to understand me. I know it's not easy. And they rarely get the full extent of it. But they react as best as they can. I guess I can be thankful for that. Is it enough? Probably not. But we are just individualistic beings, being who we are, interacting only in ways we know how. I have been blessed and cursed with my intellect. I know I need to dumb it down a little. I must try. If I am to keep these friends that I love so much.

EQUITY
In different aspects of life. It balances out somehow. It always has. To say that work is good is an understatement. I'm WALKING ON WATER. With the perfect ratings since employment, two very influential sponsors, the opportunity that was confirmed today, the fact that all the seniors that matter know who I am and what I've been doing, the expat pay and benefits. it's working for me and I can't complain. The bank has treated me well. Come to think of it, I've always gotten what I wanted. I hope it continues. I wonder when the scales will rebalance.

LOVE
Overrated. I wonder if a soul-mate means a perfect mate. Probably not. What defines a successful relationship, I was asked today (by HR, of all folks). I guess you know you've perfected it when you're truly yourself with someone else. And you know in all certainty that your other half has accepted you, and will continue to love you, imperfect, fucked up as you are. I know I will never get that. Maybe I could settle. I always have.

ULTIMATUMS
Don't work. Limits the room you have to work with.

Today has been a better day than most. At least I can rest for a night without asking myself the question "why (not) me?"

I'm a good guy. I'm trying. Love me for that. Or ask me to leave.

thou art to me a delicious torment.

If You Love Somebody Set Them Free

'If You Love Somebody Set Them Free.'

Not just a cheesy or idealistic quote. It's your second way out. It's your attempt at closure.

travel plans for 2013

I wish I could travel for weeks on end. if only I didn't have a job but still earned what I do. if only flight tickets were cheaper. MAS gives their staff a 90% discount all year dammit. Only catch is the wait list. Still.

I travelled quite abit last year. I should list them down before I forget.
Jaffna, Sri Lanka
Malacca, Malaysia (just so my list is a lil longer)
Phuket, Thailand
Shanghai, China
Beijing, China
Tokyo, Japan
Manila, Philippines

Oh, the price I had to pay to get to Tokyo. Scrambling across Shanghai in under 60mins only to miss my flight. But it was well worth the money and effort. All my trips were memorable, to say the least - teaching English using Tamil in Jaffna, the Big Fight in Malacca, befriending a prostitute in Phuket, random fine dining in Shanghai, experiencing Beijing's worst snowfall since 1960, friggin Disneyland Tokyo with the people i love, and alcoholic Manila. I wonder what 2013 has in store for me...

So this is the list for this year. We'll see how much I manage to cover:
Hong Kong
Siem Reap, Cambodia
Pangkor Island, Malaysia
Sabah, Malaysia
Sibu, Malaysia
and the annual pricey holiday to....Rome et al, Italy!

Can't wait =)

i like living in my own apartment. i could get very used to this.

=D

-_-

it will pass. i know it will. it must.

not so different afterall

3 years on. where the road diverges once again, where i'm faced with choices, i realize i haven't really changed. i've got a list. it doesn't seem to add up. so what do i do? i feel happy with one, i feel right with the other. but right is not always right. and when it ceases to be right, you realize that it never was after all. happy, on the other hand, is real. you can cease to be happy, but it doesn't put the happiness you felt before in question. it is what it is. you cannot fake happiness.

i may not be good enough. for anyone - only in that sense. but it is what i must do. i cannot imagine it any other way. sure. i would be happier. or would i? so i flirt with the boundaries. i toy with the idea rather riskily; conspicuously. but i will not dive into it. i dare not. i must not.

weird. i felt it today. i still got it. barely, but it's there. and if i fan that flame, i'll be alright.

it seems wrong. but i think it's right. for now.

the happy post

i am happier than i usually am. more accurately, i am less unhappy than i usually am.

i guess life is what we make out of it. there are risks we take. there are paths we wander onto, not really knowing where they lead to. but we take them anyway. at least, i think we ought to.

hope. :)

the culmination

job.
love.
friends.
life.
money.
ego.

F.

2 years on, and we haven't moved.

for the longest time, i didn't want to take the hint. i still dare not. because then there's nothing left. just a confused me. why not me.

maybe a year away will do me good. maybe more. maybe forever.


you give and take away. except. u haven't given.

christmas rantings

we were having a conversation a few days ago about how there are some people amongst us who seem to have it all, but probably have a balancing defect to bring them back to earth. few and far inbetween, but they exist. it got me thinking, AGAIN, of why i've been created less equal then the rest. why do i have to work extra hard to do what i do. why do i have a higher standard for myself. why are there higher standards set for me. why are they harder to attain. owells. that's just the way it has become.

why can't i think less. why can't i not think. why do i smile when i wanna frown, lift my head up when i wish i didn't have one. i realise that there is this natural leaning to fix what's broken. but what if it's too complicated to fix. what if you don't know it's broken. what if no one realises what's broken. what if no one cares. and that's probably the case.

i wanna leave. i want that new experience all over again. new people. new lifestyle. new everything. i want out. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm doin ok. i just a break out of routine. i want a chance to be who i think i might want to be.

6 days to xmas. why am i not feeling it...anymore.

merry xmas.

i think i should restart this. seeing how some people have been faithfully at it long past it stopped becoming a fad. it's therapeutic. i wonder why i stopped.

i guess my readership has dwindled to zero and i hope it stays that way. you see, i like very much to be the cryptic shadow lurking about in the dark - one that nobody sees, hears, or understands. besides, nothing good can come from the erosion of privacy.

at the beginning of the year, i set out to conquer 2011 with a care-free attitude. how i've failed miserably. life is nothing but care-free, and the ones who tell you to slow down have nothing going for them. harsh but true. i'd like to slowdown though. 15hr sleep weeks can be sustained for only so long. the dissonance is remarkable. i long for shorter hours, but staying at work makes me quite happy. i can't seem to figure out why. i'm not an workaholic, i'm not really an escapist. i think it's the hope of a raise, a bonus, respect, expertise, marketability, progress, freedom from the heart. if only i could convince myself of what i already know. that all this doesn't matter.

i wonder why people are atheists. how can they live without hope? how can they not go mad if they've convinced themselves that there is no real purpose in the cycle of life?

i've been hearing this prompting for the past few weeks. in fact if i'm honest enough to myself, i will realise that this has been happening for 2 years now. but i'm still unsure of what i'm supposed to do. and i can't bring myself to actually take it seriously as i'm afraid of what i might discover.

i wonder if this Christmas will be meaningful. probably not. if only we treasured what we have. if only i would get my act together. something is amiss. i wish i could put my finger on it. i wish i could get out of this rut that i've become so comfortable in.

can't wait to... nothing.

over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

we're ALL like that. gosh. God save us.

maybe it's the easier way out. but where's the joy in that. there's no depth. no feel-good moment. fleeting as it is. i guess i need to make up my mind before it happens and i screw it up. what's the rush? there's no rush. there's just this plan. there's a sense of unwanted differentiation. sometimes i feel helpless. worse than i know i am. because there's this checklist. maybe a reverse checklist. longer than i'd like it to be. but there shouldn't be a checklist. it should just.. BE.

so many plans. hopes. dreams. just waiting to happen....

i should stop planning. i should just be.

let's see what unfolds for me in 2011. i hope it's something truly special. i'm not going to plan. i'll just let it happen.

so there.

:)

perfect love, all loves excelling.

more than enough for me.

:)