the light at the end of the tunnel

HAHA

Pehli Nazar Mein

What magic did that first gaze do to me
The magic that made this heart, yours forever
Whatever’s going happen now, doesn’t matter to me
Let’s celebrate this moment of love, together
Here I am now
And here you are
Come into my arms, oh c’mon
Oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms

You are in each and every prayer of mine
Without you, each moment has no shine
With you these heartbeats are on cloud nine
There’s only love over here
Definitely something in here
Since I met you, one fine day
Ever since I was lost in your love
Oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms

Each moment apart from you, drives me insane
This feeling of love, brings some pain
My thirst for you makes my thoughts go plain
There’s only love over here
Definitely something in here
The distance between us, won't let me live now
For you, please understand my desire
Oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms

the peaceful suicide

I needed some fresh air so I sneaked out of Attica and went for a walk at 3am along the Singapore River. For some reason, my friends thought I had suicidal tendencies, got very worried, and started calling my mobile unceasingly. Nice to know I have friends who care like that.

While on the topic of suicide, I recently read the farewell note of the SAF doctor who plunged to his death at Westgate Bridge in Melbourne earlier this month. Discounting all the controversy surrounding the politics of it all, I still found the contents of the letter very disturbing. It didn't have anything to do with morbidity. There was hardly any. And that was why this letter was different from any other suicide note. The guy was at peace. His decision was not one of haste. He stood resolute. He jumped resolute. He had it all figured out. He knew what he was doing. And yet he did it.

"I have decided to end my life. I will do so happily, at peace with the life I have lived... I am not depressed, and never have been.... I can happily say that I have led a full life, despite it ending at the age of 27... I die happy, at peace, almost eager to see what comes next, if anything at all."

I picture him smiling, leaping off the bridge, arms outstretched, liberated, waiting to embrace the waters below that would effect his death. Why did he trivialize life like that? How could he? I ask this without passing any judgment. I really want to know. It must be a huge load off the shoulders. To believe that nothing really matters in the end. All that you've lived for are those memories that you will take to your watery grave and nowhere beyond. All that you've lived for is the present. And that amounts to nothing. Is this delusional thinking? Imagine what it would be like if this thinking was propagated to the masses - that it doesn't matter, nothing does. because life is transient, so are we. imagine if you said bye to your friend, only to see him walk away, climb onto the ledge, look back at u, smile, wave, and step right off. (recall the ACS kid a few months go) It's a stretch, yes. But it illustrates a point. If we started thinking like that, this world would become much more chaotic that it already is. The flags don't go up. So you won't know who's next.

"I do not believe in an afterlife, or a God. Death should be final and absolute... I have no sufficient investment or interest in any such temporal or spiritual thinking, and this is the main thrust of my decision to pass from this world"

Where there are no consequences, there are no boundaries, there are no restraining forces. There is just... what I think there should be.

the cocktail marathon

In one evening.

Who cares if some were ladies drinks... $5 a piece!

the painfully draining WAIT

i've underestimated the power of greed. it's true. it is utterly INSATIABLE.

when i entered uni, i had never heard of such ridiculous sums of money before. so i said i would be happy landing a job that paid X dollars. then i read some supid survey that claimed that the top 20 percent of graduates earned 2X dollars. so I told myself that I wouldn't be happy unless i earned 2X as well. THEN i hear that IB interns (interns, not full-timers) get 4X. and this is across all IB departments.. Citi (now we know where the money's going to), ML, DB, MS, GS, CS, UBS...

So then i wanted 4X for a short time. although i knew deep down that i wouldn't really enjoy the job. so i told myself that i'd be happy with 2X. and i would never trade all my free time for the additional 2X. then the call comes in. and i realise that i'm THIS CLOSE to landing the job. i get excited. but since i'm so jaded, the excitement feels so weird. so draining. and now i want that job again. even though i feel so drained even thinking about it. and now i wait.. hoping that i don't hope that i get through. but really, i'm in denial. for 3 minutes after the interviews conclude, i found myself pacing about, wondering when they would call me with the good news.

life would have been so much more pleasent and satisfying... if only i were ignorant.

i'm NOT gonna get it. dammit. WAKE UP.

oh, and thank you, dear friends, for shouldering the burden. you have no idea how much you've helped...