the surprisingly not-so-different xmas

This year was supposed to be different. New church. New friends. New routine. For the first time in 14 years, I didn't spend xmas eve caroling. For the first time in 14 years, I didn't countdown to the crossover at some youth's house and erupt in a charismatic rendition of 'Samathana Prabhu' coupled with some really unjack dance steps. It wasn't such a big deal to be the first to wish everyone at the stroke of midnight anymore. Maybe it's me growing up. Or maybe just a welcomed change.

But it was still very much like previous Christmases in so many ways. I still got up for service as groggy as ever (the dreaded effects of too much Bombay Sapphire, no doubt). I still went for service with the family (minus the brother, as usual). I still had very beautiful people to snap pics with after service. I still experienced a family fiasco that threatened to ruin Christmas. I still (over)ate the usual Indian food (2 lunches & 3 dinners of roughly the same thing).

For some reason. I liked this year better than the rest. I think it was because of the refreshing change in setting. Change is always good.

And so this is how Christmas went:
Bombay Sapphire and Anchor Beer concoction. Pissing in the open. Cabbing home at 6am. Not remembering waking up half an hour later. Sleeping in the toilet. Getting ready in 7 minutes. 2 services. Being greeted with fake smiles. Greeting the fakers with fake smiles. O Holy Night. The First Noel - Pachelbel's Canon in D postlude. Presents. Sakuntala's. Family fiasco. 10-course lunch. Dozing off at the wheel on the expressway 3 times. Talking to myself to keep myself awake. Dead rat. Family dinner. Very crowded house at Teban. Only 2 sips of wine. Presents. Whiskey glass :D. Pink cap. Sick talk of sanitation methods. Blabbering on the couch. Finding myself in the guest room the next morning.

Merry Xmas, y'all!

the unbeatables

I finally understand how chips are used. It's quite exhilarating when you receive a stack of them in exchange for the 200 bucks that somehow don't seem as much to you any longer. Sitting at the table alongside others playing French Boule, many with cigarettes and cigars in hand, I couldn't help but roleplay Yan Fei in 'The Unbeatables'. Pretending to be deep in thought, rubbing my stubble in slow motion, staring intently at the gold-plated dice container as if by some miracle I would be able to see right through it, placing my chips on the board with the confidence of a professional, I imagined myself to be the King of Coral Island. It gives you a sense of power when you instruct the banker where you want your bets placed. It's hard to hide the smirk when someone else at the table loses all his chips and leaves empty handed. Nothing beats the adrenalin rush when I take a risky position, win, and claim the 1200% payout.

It is but a game. To be played with an attitude of triviality and only if you can afford it. Sadly, many don't know that. And many more act like they don't.

the legitimate "wine dinner"

After an weird encounter with a very-hard-to-understand person at church which totally wrecked the mood for me and caused me to leave the place alot later than I had intended, I headed down to a friend's house party. It had the makings of a pretty swell Singaporean house party. (Emphasis on Singaporean because our definition of partying is significantly different from other liberal countries.) There was really loud music (albeit mostly trance), lots of free booze (by free, i mean that the university paid for it), good food, the best cheesecake ever (da paolo!), happy happy people (the booze ran out), and a big house all to ourselves.

But I couldn't exactly enjoy myself much. Because it had to be Ridgewood, of all condominiums. My roots don't mean anything. I make my own destiny. Only that should matter. Somehow, it's much harder to accept than I had expected.

the post i dont exactly understand

Sometimes, it's fun to do something wrong. No, no. It's fun to do what others perceive as wrong. Maybe it's the adrenalin rush. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe there isn't any reason for it at all. There are times when you do things without thinking of the consequences. It's not that you don't care. It's not that you're being selfish. To be selfish, you need to be consicously aware of the consequences and actively choose not to keep them in consideration. What if it simply doesn't occur to you that what you're doing has consequences. The lack of consideration becomes passive. Not to the point that it becomes ignorance, though. What if this state of oblivion becomes extended?

I'm not sure how to rationalise such actions. I'm thinking that maybe you're in this state of 'perpetual drunkenness' - not to be taken literally of course. I'm still wondering how one arrives at this point of 'perpetual drunkenness' and when this state of mind ceases. Like literal drunkenness, figurative drunkenness creeps into our minds insidiously. And it is only in retrospect that we know that we exercised a lack of judgment.

Everything becomes permissible when you become desensitized.

I'm desensitized.
But no, I'm not desensitized.

And therein lies the crux of the problem(s).

the lunch to impress

I don't like it when they try too hard to impress.
I don't like it when they laugh at a joke only because the professor initiated it.
I don't like it when they fight with me for attention.
I don't like it when they act like they have executive lunches at the Equinox all the time.
I don't like it when I bring a camera, but am afraid to use it.
I don't like it when someone makes a not-so-funny joke in a bid to seem suave.
I don't like it when silence follows that not-so-funny joke, even if that's the appropriate response.
I don't like it when I mumble because I'm uncomfortable.
I don't like it when people have extended hard-to-follow conversations.
I don't like it when all they do at the table is talk about how well they trade currency futures or discuss the extent to which deleveraging has taken place in the financial sector.

I liked the food, though.
I liked the lift that brought us up 70 floors in about 10 seconds.
And I liked it when the professor was the one to foot the $800 bill.