gemini

we live in uncertain times.

but love conquers all, they say.

Man after all

It's turning out to be a rather pleasant year-end after all. Never in my wildest imagination did I think that I would be kind of ok. But I am. I'm two-minded. And I can accept that for now. Twisted. Screwed up. But it feels right and wrong at the same time.

I'm no longer in limbo. What would happen henceforth? Do things stay the same? Or will change inevitably occur. Who dies? Who lives? Who gets to be/remain happy? Surely not me. I will learn to accept that or die trying.

I'm not a bad person. We're not bad people. If we keep telling ourselves that, we might just believe it some day.

A twisted tale.

-

Happy. Confused. Drunk. Alone. Scent of a woman. Scent of a man. Hard. Pleasure. Love. LOVE. Clothes. Breathe. Pant. Sleep. Embrace. Suck. Fuck

three

stop mind-fucking, dude. but i can't help it. but i should. be confident, be clear-headed. don't mess up again and again. love the people who love you. tolerate those who don't really. smile. holler. appreciate. love. pray. give more than you receive. live. sacrifice. stay happy.

we live with our choices, or we don't.

memoirs from the mansion

i want to be on holiday, perpetually.
i would like others to interact with me in isolation. it seems better that way.
i want to turn back time to when i was 13. back to when the biggest obstacles to overcome were in the form of examinations, something I was naturally good at.


i want to have it all, or nothing at all.

in limbo no more

gosh. depression really is a black hole.
you can't pull yourself out. no matter how hard you try.

must..keep..trying..

or maybe i should just hang in limbo. like i've been doing for the past 3 years.

or maybe i should just let myself get sucked in. it's just so much easier.

one jump is all it takes.
take a deep breath.
lurge forward.
embrace your destiny.
EMBRACE it.
cos this is all you'll ever be.
it seems.

hong kong.

that i would lock up while in the middle of an email when i see you leaving so that i can bump into you at the lobby.
that i would suit up just so that i'd look sharp when you see me.
that i would lie that i have a long day out on a Sat just so that it would impress you - only to find out that you like quiet weekends.
that i would suddenly feel a weight lifted off after such a brief conversation.

play it cool. but not too cool.
good luck.

it's best to be honest with yourself and others. firstly, it's fair. and secondly, i don't owe it to anyone to be politically correct about anything. i realise that now.

this is what you get, take it or leave it. and i know u'll leave it. it's the easier route, afterall.

which really just proves my point - i don't owe anything to anyone.

to each his own.

wallflower

as the wound continues to fester

back to the hell hole after a month. i abhor going back there. i really do. a stark reminder of the failure that i am is what it is. i sit there chained to my seat. i don't really like what i see. what i hear. i feel smaller and smaller with each passing minute. i feel helpless. i feel... awkward. stop looking at me. stop judging. stop praising me. stop ridiculing me. stop trying to slave-drive me. stop talking. just stop talking.

i wish it were like it was 5 years ago. when i was unknown. and hadn't burnt the bridges that i burnt. i wonder how life would have turned out if i had gone someplace else instead. maybe i wouldn't have had the chance to make the good friend that i have. but i might have gained a few more, i'm guessing. the 'what ifs'. makes you consider your next decision carefully. every decision i make echos in eternity. every move i make is important. it makes me who i am. it defines me. so i must consider my next decision carefully. i won't rush into it. i never do.

"it's not going to get easier". fuck. i'm not stupid. i know.

by this time next year the decision would have been made. 12 months is all i'm giving myself. get your shit together, mel. or get out.

i shall treasure this xmas.

so when the going just keeps getting tougher

ending real soon. either way.
should start getting my affairs in order.

because life will/has to go on.

--

i seem to like unusual unique people. the aloof. the proud. normal people make me nervous. but unique people make me wonder. wonder how it is she became so smart and beautiful while she's at it. how she doesn't crack jokes/laugh, but  still comes across as nice. her oddly pale glow. cute eyebags. messy handwriting

or maybe just another one...

--

ending real soon. either way.
life will go on.

even as it leaves me behind

--

four years ago, i didn't feel a thing. four years on, i don't want to feel a thing. the simple pleasures. pleasures that wasted my time. so i should get out more.

--

an overdose would be the coolest way to leave. an overdose while on holiday. what a pity, it was an accident.

--

sleep.

some people are luckier than the rest. they just don't realise it.
some people have run out of it. but who gives a fuck whether anyone realises it.
and no one does.

everytime i fall, i pick myself up. one fine day, i just won't. i hope i have the courage to do exactly that.

you've messed with the wrong banker

2 days into work and i already regret coming back. i've been given a high-profile portfolio almost twice the size of the other associates, i've been told to exceed expectations on all of them, magically be on top of my clients only 48hrs after i inherit them, coach the others, but no promotion/increment? and i'm supposed to convince the undergrads on thursday that I'm having the time of my life at the bank and they should join me too? bullshit.

if i don't get what i've asked for, i think i might just walk. maybe it's time to update the resume. it's been 3 years afterall. we'll see how they survive then with all the good people leaving. hah.

we'll see.

my happiness is for me to figure out. so is yours.

i came across a rather profound thought twice in the last week. our happiness is our responsibility. no one else's - not even the ones we love, or claim to love us (or both). it seems we shouldn't blame anyone for our circumstances. we shouldn't expect anyone to pick us up or do something to make us feel better. it bogs others down, it could irritate them. impede their momentum in life. it could cause them to drift. it could end up in painful divorce even. the 2 articles i read were well-written, interspersed with rather painfully obvious nuggets of wisdom. So surely this thought must be worth something, shouldn't it?

afterall, why do we need relationships for? is it not just to fill our life with laughter, a sense of contentment, fulfilled desires, companionship in fun? isn't it so that we don't merely survive, but truly LIVE (in the moment) with no inhibitions, not a care in the world but about ourselves? that must be what relationships are about. of course it is. we need the best for ourselves. we come first. we must win. WE MUST BE HAPPY. at the end of the day, we are responsible for ourselves. no man is an island? screw that. we must, and we're expected to be. islands stand out. there are only islands.

and then we wonder why this world is a fucked up place. the western hegemony has really raped us good, hasn't it. and we don't even know how deep.

sheesh.

stupid parasites

money makes me very happy. i'm glad i have enough of it. but it doesn't make me ecstatic about life. i'm happy enough to survive, but not LIVE. something's missing. a goal; a new achievement; progress, maybe. i am never satisfied. i look in all the wrong places. i while away my hours with the wrong people too much. it doesn't get me anywhere, just gets me through the day (and nights). the result? i spend too much, rest too little, drink too much, plan too little. but what's the use of planning, really? a couple of months back when all i did was mope about, things didn't improve at all - no one really cared (enough), no one really knew (or wanted to), the people i reached out to were either too base or selfish to react the way i wanted them to, the way i would have. so then i stopped hoping, stopped expecting. i started to focus my energy on other things i wished would give me a new direction. but things are not the same. it's tough to change direction when you have.. lingering influences. how do you become a new person when you don't really want to be. i seem to have pushed the reset/purge button on life every 5 or 6 years. Maybe I should do it again. And then what?

i'm moving back to SG too soon. can't say that i'll miss MY, and can't say that I won't. 2013. DEFINITELY a year to remember - if i survive it, that is. i continue to be a heartbreaker, a mindfucker. i am still this dude who knows almost what he wants. keyword being 'almost'.

i hope you die soon. you selfish, weird motherfucker.

oh what i would give to be stupid.

the next level

i have no more avenues of escape. porn, fags, and booze don't cut it no more. crap.

"do you love me?" "no, but i like you alot. isn't that enough?"

i like how u make me feel man enough for you.
i like your touch. heck, i also like to touch. very much.
i like the smell of your hair. and more.
i like how u're secretly this caring person. i get that; totally.
i like how u're as practical as me. it's gonna bite us in the back though.
i like how u tease. no, not the scratching and biting.
i like how u like me, and don't try too hard. it keeps me where i want to be.
i like how i forget that i'm this depressed person. it happens only when i'm with you.
i like your independence, not so much your obstinance.
i like how you listen only to my voice when you're smashed.
i like the way you wiped away my tears, as i did yours.
i like your childlike disposition. i feel like i'm in charge.
i like your taste in music.
i like your taste.
i like how you fit quite perfectly in my arms.
i like the way you rest your head on my lap.
i like your sashay.
i like you.

but i don't think it'll work. so i'll just live in the moment, make the best of what i have, like i always have.

just another blow

i will break soon.
how did i become this pathetic.
i'm left behind.

at the end of the day, it's about me, me, me.

to each his own.
every man for himself.

i should (have) listen(ed) to my dad more.

angels

He sends you help in ways unexpected.
It doesn't make everything perfect.
You may remain broken.
But enough help to keep you afloat.
To tell your story.

Life remains interesting.

beneath anger is hurt.
beneath hurt is love.


i must have faith. i will change. i will make sure of it.

out of the rut

just as quickly as i was plunged into the deep shit that i was in, i find myself yanked out. i've still got game. maybe not as i had imagined it to be, but i've still got it. in the words of at least 4 people in the past 2 weeks, i just gotta try harder. now i realise that i haven't really changed. i'm still the finicky, fickle, undecided asshole of a guy that i was 3 years ago. then, i hurt people who actually cared for me - innocent, unassuming people who thought me to be the angel that i really was not. hurt, possibly so much, that they changed for the worse. they grew up. one, a stoic, the other, a slut. it was a bad choice. and choices have consequences. bad choices are supposed to make you wiser, aren't they? but i have not learnt. pray, dammit. pray. don't follow your heart or mind. follow the signs. ask for the signs. make them obvious.

2013 has by far been the worst period of my life. but unsurprisingly, i have survived it. i always do.  it scares me to think of the things i am capable of when pushed to the limit. windows, buildings, knives. but i've survived 5 months. this is what i have taken away from the harrowing experience, although I'm sure it hasn't ended:

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
Yes, I am complicated. Deal with it or leave. I'll survive, even if it means I have to escape it all. But experiencing this just means I am a thinker - with a real sense of morals. I'm proud of myself in this regard. I know what is right. I know what I want. I know what is best. They may not always lead to the same conclusion. That's just the torturous way of life. My seemingly inconsistent behaviour is really just me struggling to do the right thing. I have struggled with this - more than anyone will ever know - and I think I've done ok. No, I don't feel great about it. It doesn't always feel gratifying. It only makes you feel lousy. It makes you hate yourself. The person you have become, and that part of you that always has been. So I tell myself that I've done the right thing, and I move on/(away?)

FRIENDSHIPS
I always thought I was strong. Now I realise that everyone has a tipping point. I value my closest friends now, few as they may be. They have seen the worst of me (that I have chosen to reveal). And still remain my friends. I can only imagine how I've confused, complicated, abused my relationships. Of course, it isn't always my fault. I think. I overthink. What moves me is how my friends try their best, in their capacity, to understand me. I know it's not easy. And they rarely get the full extent of it. But they react as best as they can. I guess I can be thankful for that. Is it enough? Probably not. But we are just individualistic beings, being who we are, interacting only in ways we know how. I have been blessed and cursed with my intellect. I know I need to dumb it down a little. I must try. If I am to keep these friends that I love so much.

EQUITY
In different aspects of life. It balances out somehow. It always has. To say that work is good is an understatement. I'm WALKING ON WATER. With the perfect ratings since employment, two very influential sponsors, the opportunity that was confirmed today, the fact that all the seniors that matter know who I am and what I've been doing, the expat pay and benefits. it's working for me and I can't complain. The bank has treated me well. Come to think of it, I've always gotten what I wanted. I hope it continues. I wonder when the scales will rebalance.

LOVE
Overrated. I wonder if a soul-mate means a perfect mate. Probably not. What defines a successful relationship, I was asked today (by HR, of all folks). I guess you know you've perfected it when you're truly yourself with someone else. And you know in all certainty that your other half has accepted you, and will continue to love you, imperfect, fucked up as you are. I know I will never get that. Maybe I could settle. I always have.

ULTIMATUMS
Don't work. Limits the room you have to work with.

Today has been a better day than most. At least I can rest for a night without asking myself the question "why (not) me?"

I'm a good guy. I'm trying. Love me for that. Or ask me to leave.

thou art to me a delicious torment.

If You Love Somebody Set Them Free

'If You Love Somebody Set Them Free.'

Not just a cheesy or idealistic quote. It's your second way out. It's your attempt at closure.

travel plans for 2013

I wish I could travel for weeks on end. if only I didn't have a job but still earned what I do. if only flight tickets were cheaper. MAS gives their staff a 90% discount all year dammit. Only catch is the wait list. Still.

I travelled quite abit last year. I should list them down before I forget.
Jaffna, Sri Lanka
Malacca, Malaysia (just so my list is a lil longer)
Phuket, Thailand
Shanghai, China
Beijing, China
Tokyo, Japan
Manila, Philippines

Oh, the price I had to pay to get to Tokyo. Scrambling across Shanghai in under 60mins only to miss my flight. But it was well worth the money and effort. All my trips were memorable, to say the least - teaching English using Tamil in Jaffna, the Big Fight in Malacca, befriending a prostitute in Phuket, random fine dining in Shanghai, experiencing Beijing's worst snowfall since 1960, friggin Disneyland Tokyo with the people i love, and alcoholic Manila. I wonder what 2013 has in store for me...

So this is the list for this year. We'll see how much I manage to cover:
Hong Kong
Siem Reap, Cambodia
Pangkor Island, Malaysia
Sabah, Malaysia
Sibu, Malaysia
and the annual pricey holiday to....Rome et al, Italy!

Can't wait =)

i like living in my own apartment. i could get very used to this.

=D

-_-