christmas rantings

we were having a conversation a few days ago about how there are some people amongst us who seem to have it all, but probably have a balancing defect to bring them back to earth. few and far inbetween, but they exist. it got me thinking, AGAIN, of why i've been created less equal then the rest. why do i have to work extra hard to do what i do. why do i have a higher standard for myself. why are there higher standards set for me. why are they harder to attain. owells. that's just the way it has become.

why can't i think less. why can't i not think. why do i smile when i wanna frown, lift my head up when i wish i didn't have one. i realise that there is this natural leaning to fix what's broken. but what if it's too complicated to fix. what if you don't know it's broken. what if no one realises what's broken. what if no one cares. and that's probably the case.

i wanna leave. i want that new experience all over again. new people. new lifestyle. new everything. i want out. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm doin ok. i just a break out of routine. i want a chance to be who i think i might want to be.

6 days to xmas. why am i not feeling it...anymore.

merry xmas.

i think i should restart this. seeing how some people have been faithfully at it long past it stopped becoming a fad. it's therapeutic. i wonder why i stopped.

i guess my readership has dwindled to zero and i hope it stays that way. you see, i like very much to be the cryptic shadow lurking about in the dark - one that nobody sees, hears, or understands. besides, nothing good can come from the erosion of privacy.

at the beginning of the year, i set out to conquer 2011 with a care-free attitude. how i've failed miserably. life is nothing but care-free, and the ones who tell you to slow down have nothing going for them. harsh but true. i'd like to slowdown though. 15hr sleep weeks can be sustained for only so long. the dissonance is remarkable. i long for shorter hours, but staying at work makes me quite happy. i can't seem to figure out why. i'm not an workaholic, i'm not really an escapist. i think it's the hope of a raise, a bonus, respect, expertise, marketability, progress, freedom from the heart. if only i could convince myself of what i already know. that all this doesn't matter.

i wonder why people are atheists. how can they live without hope? how can they not go mad if they've convinced themselves that there is no real purpose in the cycle of life?

i've been hearing this prompting for the past few weeks. in fact if i'm honest enough to myself, i will realise that this has been happening for 2 years now. but i'm still unsure of what i'm supposed to do. and i can't bring myself to actually take it seriously as i'm afraid of what i might discover.

i wonder if this Christmas will be meaningful. probably not. if only we treasured what we have. if only i would get my act together. something is amiss. i wish i could put my finger on it. i wish i could get out of this rut that i've become so comfortable in.

can't wait to... nothing.

over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

we're ALL like that. gosh. God save us.

maybe it's the easier way out. but where's the joy in that. there's no depth. no feel-good moment. fleeting as it is. i guess i need to make up my mind before it happens and i screw it up. what's the rush? there's no rush. there's just this plan. there's a sense of unwanted differentiation. sometimes i feel helpless. worse than i know i am. because there's this checklist. maybe a reverse checklist. longer than i'd like it to be. but there shouldn't be a checklist. it should just.. BE.

so many plans. hopes. dreams. just waiting to happen....

i should stop planning. i should just be.

let's see what unfolds for me in 2011. i hope it's something truly special. i'm not going to plan. i'll just let it happen.

so there.

:)