you've messed with the wrong banker

2 days into work and i already regret coming back. i've been given a high-profile portfolio almost twice the size of the other associates, i've been told to exceed expectations on all of them, magically be on top of my clients only 48hrs after i inherit them, coach the others, but no promotion/increment? and i'm supposed to convince the undergrads on thursday that I'm having the time of my life at the bank and they should join me too? bullshit.

if i don't get what i've asked for, i think i might just walk. maybe it's time to update the resume. it's been 3 years afterall. we'll see how they survive then with all the good people leaving. hah.

we'll see.

my happiness is for me to figure out. so is yours.

i came across a rather profound thought twice in the last week. our happiness is our responsibility. no one else's - not even the ones we love, or claim to love us (or both). it seems we shouldn't blame anyone for our circumstances. we shouldn't expect anyone to pick us up or do something to make us feel better. it bogs others down, it could irritate them. impede their momentum in life. it could cause them to drift. it could end up in painful divorce even. the 2 articles i read were well-written, interspersed with rather painfully obvious nuggets of wisdom. So surely this thought must be worth something, shouldn't it?

afterall, why do we need relationships for? is it not just to fill our life with laughter, a sense of contentment, fulfilled desires, companionship in fun? isn't it so that we don't merely survive, but truly LIVE (in the moment) with no inhibitions, not a care in the world but about ourselves? that must be what relationships are about. of course it is. we need the best for ourselves. we come first. we must win. WE MUST BE HAPPY. at the end of the day, we are responsible for ourselves. no man is an island? screw that. we must, and we're expected to be. islands stand out. there are only islands.

and then we wonder why this world is a fucked up place. the western hegemony has really raped us good, hasn't it. and we don't even know how deep.

sheesh.

stupid parasites

money makes me very happy. i'm glad i have enough of it. but it doesn't make me ecstatic about life. i'm happy enough to survive, but not LIVE. something's missing. a goal; a new achievement; progress, maybe. i am never satisfied. i look in all the wrong places. i while away my hours with the wrong people too much. it doesn't get me anywhere, just gets me through the day (and nights). the result? i spend too much, rest too little, drink too much, plan too little. but what's the use of planning, really? a couple of months back when all i did was mope about, things didn't improve at all - no one really cared (enough), no one really knew (or wanted to), the people i reached out to were either too base or selfish to react the way i wanted them to, the way i would have. so then i stopped hoping, stopped expecting. i started to focus my energy on other things i wished would give me a new direction. but things are not the same. it's tough to change direction when you have.. lingering influences. how do you become a new person when you don't really want to be. i seem to have pushed the reset/purge button on life every 5 or 6 years. Maybe I should do it again. And then what?

i'm moving back to SG too soon. can't say that i'll miss MY, and can't say that I won't. 2013. DEFINITELY a year to remember - if i survive it, that is. i continue to be a heartbreaker, a mindfucker. i am still this dude who knows almost what he wants. keyword being 'almost'.

i hope you die soon. you selfish, weird motherfucker.

oh what i would give to be stupid.