i am thankful for the near-hits and near-misses in life. they make living interesting. and tiresome at times. more tiresome than interesting actually. but still. then there's something to lament about. a perfect life would be so boring, i think. and when you've pulled through, you get to go around and parade your accomplishment , as though you had expected that outcome from the onset. everyone's guilty of doing that, i'm sure. perhaps 'guilty' isn't apt. because after all that struggle, maybe you've earned the right to brag. just maybe.
i'm hoping to be able to brag some day. not to put others down. i don't see any fun in doing that, and i know some do. i think it's been so long since i actually earned the right to do so. i've been resting on past laurels for the past 3 years. i can't recall when i lost my drive. i seem to have it, but i really don't. it's a little too late to be thinking this. but, i'm quite sure my biggest mistake to date was deciding to go to THAT institution. sure it looks really good on a resume. But I think i got sapped there. and just never really recovered. that set everything in motion. that downward spiral to where i am right now. which is still a great place to be in, no doubt. but still...
some said my then-current institution was elitist. and perhaps that was one of the reasons i defected (yes, defected!). but if it really was (and i'm not saying that it is), it would only have worked in my favor. why didn't i see it like that then??? but what's done is done.
so i need to prop myself up. i'm not one to wallow in self pity. i work things out. i used to be stoic. i guess i've been weathered down. i need that exogenous push to get me going again. and where will that come from?
friends? maybe to a certain extent.
family? to a larger extent.
love? i'm a realist. but i would be glad to be proven wrong.
luck? again, i'm a realist.
myself? exogenous, dammit!
God? i can only pray.
and when it finally happens, please bear with me.
i'm hoping to be able to brag some day. not to put others down. i don't see any fun in doing that, and i know some do. i think it's been so long since i actually earned the right to do so. i've been resting on past laurels for the past 3 years. i can't recall when i lost my drive. i seem to have it, but i really don't. it's a little too late to be thinking this. but, i'm quite sure my biggest mistake to date was deciding to go to THAT institution. sure it looks really good on a resume. But I think i got sapped there. and just never really recovered. that set everything in motion. that downward spiral to where i am right now. which is still a great place to be in, no doubt. but still...
some said my then-current institution was elitist. and perhaps that was one of the reasons i defected (yes, defected!). but if it really was (and i'm not saying that it is), it would only have worked in my favor. why didn't i see it like that then??? but what's done is done.
so i need to prop myself up. i'm not one to wallow in self pity. i work things out. i used to be stoic. i guess i've been weathered down. i need that exogenous push to get me going again. and where will that come from?
friends? maybe to a certain extent.
family? to a larger extent.
love? i'm a realist. but i would be glad to be proven wrong.
luck? again, i'm a realist.
myself? exogenous, dammit!
God? i can only pray.
and when it finally happens, please bear with me.
